I was thinking, coming from a fairly enlightening yoga session this morning, that I have a tender heart. I can be tough, and I can endure. I can be petty and bitter and angry….. but I have a tender heart, and it feels tender right now, or it did this morning. It’s softer than some may think, but resilient… but it bruises easily too, just like me! It is sensitive to others and their hurts and joys….
So, I want to know:
That was the theme of my Triple Vinyasa class today where I take hot yoga, also known as Bikram. They also teach Vinyasa, which is a beautiful fusion of Bikram and Ashtanga yoga, and even some pilates. It ended up being 2 hours and 15 minutes long, and even the usual 1 1/2 hours wears me out. I actually had to rest a couple of times because my core temperature was too high, along with my heart rate. They get the room to about 110 degrees normally, but I think it was about 120 today, and there were lots of people, so the moisture was insane. I wish I could have stopped to take a picture of how much sweating we do. I don’t think I will ever stop being amazed at how much water can come out of me without me getting woozy.
This is the end of my second week of hot yoga, and it’s done wonders for me. I don’t snack at night as much, hardly at all really, my energy flows better when I am doing other things, my belly is flat again and showing some definition, my breathing is deeper and fuller, and I sleep like a log. Add to that the fact that I am doing my current rotation at Pharmaca in Santa Fe, where I have access to herbalists, Doctors of Oriental Medicine, and more. What a great combination for my soul!
10-17-09
A special date for so many reasons….
It was what would be, and I believe is, the 9-month anniversary of my relationship with John, hence 3 squared. No need to share why the 3 is important, but it is. (the importance of 9 will come later in the blog, so read on) It had been a rough day emotionally. Relationships had been on my mind, in particular what I need/want from an intimate relationship. I was just plain shot; my emotions were flat, my body was exhausted, and I didn’t want to do anything. In the afternoon, I finally made myself get out of the house, and I decided it was time to get myself an engagement ring. I went downtown, hoping to find something interesting, but couldn’t find parking. Heading up Central, I looked across the street and there was this cute little shop displaying works of individual artists. They had everything from custom soap dishes to leather couches. I had a really good feeling about this place.
There were several nice rings, but I wanted something that entertwined to symbolize the coming together of Myself and I, and what I found worked out really well. It has a shape much like the moon goddess, entertwined with the next, and has tourmaline and peridot stones embedded in the band.
With the ring, my engagement was now official, so I decided it was a good night to celebrate. I texted several close friends where I would be and when, then Keely and I proceeded to get dressed. I went through several outfits trying to find something feminine yet classy. I felt like it was my first date! I was taking Myself out to celebrate our engagement and to show off my ring to my friends, including an ex-bf from high school, and what I had thought was my recent ex-boyfriend.
In attendance: Myself and I, Keely, Dave and Laurie, Mario and Laura, Nick, and eventually John. That would be 9 people, essentially.
I had wine and light food, chatted it up with friends, while John was babysitting Quinnie just down the road. Quinnie’s parents were a bit later than expected coming home, so John showed up later…. I figured he had just come from babysitting so probably would just shoot over in his jeans and t-shirt.
BUT, he came looking the handsomest I had ever seen him. He had on a dark blazer, white button-up shirt, nice jeans, and dress shoes, and a sparkle in his eye I hadn’t seen for some time. I don’t know what was going through his head when he walked in, but I feel he knew the significance of that night, both for Myself and I, and for him and me. It’s the little things ….
So, the number 9… for all of you who know a bit about numerology, this one will get ya.
It was our 9-month anniversary, there were essentially 9 people there, both dates add up to 9…
Beginning: 1-17-09
9-months: 10-17-09
When you add up my name or his name, you get 9, and of course when you add 2 nines, you get 9
Add to this the coincidence that we have the same birthday, just 7 years apart….
Now, some interesting things about the number 9:
9 is the number of electrical energy and all material life on this planet (you can get much more background regarding the “sacred number” 142857 and its connection to the numbers 7 and 9 in Linda Goodman’s Star Signs). The following comes from that book.
When you add all the numbers in our system: 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 + 6 + 7 + 8 +9….you get the number 45, which when added= 9
‘Government cycle researchers and experts have observed that important changes, with sweeping worldwide implications, occur every 180 years on Earth. 1 + 8 + 0 equal 9.’
The 360 degrees of a circle add to 9.
It takes 9 months gestation to develop a child.
9 is 6 upside-down.
The number 6 symbolizes Venus – Love – Woman
The number 9 symbolizes Mars- Conflict- Man
Together, the 6 and 9 added= 15, which added equals 6, the number of love
9 is the number of death, or of an ending, but it also symbolizes rebirth, for something must die to be reborn. Sometimes, something in us must die for something else to flourish.
*** 10-17-09 symbolized for me a new beginning in my relationships with Myself and everyone I interact with. It symbolized a letting go of destructive views and behaviors and an embracing of a life based first and foremost on love.
So, some of you may know about Buddy Newman…. someday I will tell about how he came into our lives, but for now, I am thinking this dog is lucky, in a weird way.
I have been frantically trying to finish all the stuff I have been putting off to get the house ready for my housewarming party. Nothing like a deadline to motivate ya! My dad was over helping me with a few things out back, and then I opened up the front door to let him in so he could help me switch out my medicine chest… we were there about 3 minutes, when I had that “OH SHIT!!” realization that I had left the front door open.
Sure enough, Buddy had bolted out the door, probably to go lick some innocent passer-by. I couldn’t find him anywhere, no answer to my call… my dad and I drove around for a while, then he had to leave. I kept driving, and asking strangers if they had seen him. He didn’t even go to the park! Surely he would have gone to play with all the other doggies! I called John to tell him, not sure why except that he is an animal lover and might have a suggestion. I went home to open the gate per his suggestion, drove around the corner, and suddenly a little black head popped up from behind the fence at the corner lot. Buddy was sitting on the top of a car in this house’s backyard. What freaked me out was that there was no way for him to have gotten there. Several old dog kennels and houses and igloos were scattered around the yard, with water bowls out front and back….. and no animals. I jumped the fence, got him out and carried him home, cuz he seemed to want to bolt.
At this time, it was sprinkling, and within 2 minutes of getting home, it started POURING rain outside. The street was flooding within minutes, the wind was gusting, and it’s still raining a half hour or so later.
Not only did I find him just in time, but I would have been out riding in that rain. I like riding in rain actually, but that downpour would have been dangerous, with flooding streets, crazy winds, and low visibility of already crappy drivers.
At least for today, Buddy is my lucky dog. :0)
This is a blog I posted for ASHP today at http://ashpblog.squarespace.com/
************************************************************************************
It’s amazing how life sometimes marches in your door and looks you right in the face.
Trying to juggle rotations, moving, my daughter, and my personal life has been a challenge to say the least, which is why when my vacation month was unexpectedly moved from March to October, I was excited. I needed the break!
At first I thought I would take the time to work on my house, train on my bike, research all the residencies I might be interested in, and perhaps even travel to some of the places I was considering residency. Somehow, that didn’t happen. What happened is that everything I had not taken the time to deal with came up. I had a sudden health issue that forced me to look at my life and how I was living it and where I really wanted to be. I was tired of hustling and always being on the run, and for once I took time to let the day happen as it may. My emotions were everywhere; I was confused; I was scared; and I doubted my path. Little personal issues that I had ignored for too long had been growing, and like weeds they threatened to overtake my “garden”. 
I am using my time off to weed my emotional garden, to readdress where I am and where I really want to take my future. What is my personal truth? What do I truly need and want in my life? I am not talking only about pharmacy, although that is prominent on my mind. Sometimes, we get so busy with school and rotations and planning the next several years of our lives, that we forget to look at other aspects of our lives, such as our relationships.
What I have realized was that on the other side of that door that life forced open is a huge network of close friends, family, coworkers and peers, and even friendly strangers, all of whom can give you the support, companionship, love, understanding, fun and anything else you may need to cultivate your emotional garden.
I have had a lot of weeding to do, but I have now uncovered some beautiful flowers that I had neglected, and with each weed I pull, my garden becomes fuller and brighter. Cultivate your garden, make sure to keep those weeds under control, and watch your relationships, your life and yourself flourish.
I just remembered two things I heard in yoga that really hit me this week, and I wanted to share and reflect:
1) One of the teachers talks too much, but she has some good things to say, and she said that often what we feel is our greatest weakness is really our greatest strength. For me lately, that is my passion and emotion. I am a passionate person with strong emotions, and it can honestly drive me and the people close to me crazy. I also know I have the potential to lift someone up. If I can learn to understand and appreciate that which makes my life most difficult, I can help others. First, I need to help myself.
2) Today, the yoga instructor said, ‘if you have someone in your life that you just don’t like, someone that for some reason just upsets you or rubs you the wrong way for no apparent reason, it is probably because they have a quality you dislike in yourself.’ There have been a couple people this year that have hit me that way, both female, and I don’t want to feel that way. I have tried to understand, but have not yet made sense of it and have tried to just let go. Perhaps this will give me some perspective that may help me figure some of it out.
I wish I had typed this last night, when the thoughts were flowing…..
I feel like John is setting me free in some way, like when someone takes care of a bird with a broken wing and one day has to send it off, with a gentle push to make it fly.
It’s really that I am committing to myself…. but I feel like I am pushing out of a cocoon, but I haven’t shed it yet. It’s like coming out into a room that’s too bright. It’s exciting, but I am not adjusting quickly. I am not liberated.
Last night, I was lying in bed unable to sleep, and I had these thoughts that were much like a dream…. I felt like I was breaking free of the ties of other peoples’ opinions, that I was becoming who I am in my soul, without the influence of the outside world. There was a commitment to be how I WANT to be, how I need to be, and to let the rest fall into place. I imagined myself coming out of a shell, my head reaching through, and I felt my heart lift and open, and about the time my waist was ready to slide out, releasing that last bit like after a baby’s shoulders clear the birth canal, I suddenly hurt. It was a pressure on my chest and in my heart. I retreated, although not completely, and I held myself as some of the recent hurts flooded my brain. I cried, but only briefly. I am learning to let go, to bring myself out of my head and into my body, my breath, my heart.
All I can think is that there is some lesson unlearned before I can move onto this next phase. I think it is fully accepting and loving oneself. I am taking my engagement to myself seriously. It was written with a sense of humor, but it was not flippant.
Today was my fourth day of yoga in a row, and certain things were improved, while other things ached. At the end, I laid in the corpse pose and felt some tears, tears without thought, and I slowly took my arms and wrapped them around myself, gently, fully, and with love. As I breathed deeply, I could feel almost as if someone else was hugging me. It was the strength inside of me, and it felt good.
My mother shared this with me, and it gave me a few minutes of pleasure, so thought I would share.
These are hilarious!
I am speechless…
|
I found this over the summer, and have gone back a few times to read it. I think they are spot on, and there are probably other “guidelines” I am not thinking of, but these are good for any type of relationship. I am in the process of yet again redefining what I want and need in a relationship. I had this type of honesty once, and I tell people that I want and need that, but until this year, I hadn’t met anyone that I felt that could happen with. If it can’t happen with John, perhaps someday I will again be able to enjoy that type of openness on more than a friend level.
http://www.brockport.edu/cc/relationships.html
It would be easier if we had a manual.
Like lemmings going over a cliff, salmon swimming upstream, and other seemingly irrational and impossible phenomena of nature, we all tend to pair up at various points in our lives. Sometimes it seems as though we find the same person time and time and again and proclaim; “Are there no princes or princesses out there among the frogs I keep on kissing!”
The process would be much simpler if we had a care and handling manual to exchange with every person we meet. I mean, even a ten-dollar electric clock comes with a do’s and don’ts list. In the absence of such a guidebook, it’s hoped that the following information will provide some help as you negotiate that sometimes treacherous process called “relationship development.”
1. Who you think you are is important. Like attracts like. Do you like who you are?
2. What you want in a relationship is important, and when you are willing to ask for it, you will be able to create it. But only ask for what you want when you are clear about what it is. Until then, don’t go around demanding things you just think you should have.
3. We get exactly what we focus on. The problem or the solution. We make a choice between them with every decision we make.
4. Tell yourself the truth about what you want, not what others (family, friends, spouse) say you should have.
5. Tell everyone else your truth about what you want. Don’t be afraid to share your vision and dreams with those you love.
6. You are not defined by your relationships unless you choose to be. Consider what it says about you if you deed over you soul to one.
7. Interdependent (two independent people) relationships are the only ones that work, long term.
8. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationships. Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the gift we get when we risk telling the truth.
9. Fear of intimacy is fear of the truth. Your truth is better for you than someone else’s. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it..
10. If your relationship is not getting better, it is probable getting worse. Life is dynamic and nothing ever stays the same.
11. Every relationship is unique. It takes what it takes to work. If you want it to work, you have to work it. No shortcuts. No 50/50 deals.
12. It’s not your job to fix your mate, and it’s not his or her job to fix you. Take the relationship and what your mate says at face value and stop reading into it what you’d like to hear. We can work with what’s real. It’s impossible to deal with what’s not real.
13. Unconditional love is an inside job. If you haven’t gotten it by now, guess what…start working from within. When you can give it to yourself, you’ll be ready to give it to someone else. If you can give it to someone else, you’ll recognize it when it’s given to you.
14. If you both are committed to creating a functional relationship, agree to start doing it today, without any judgments about the past. Be willing to work in the solution and let go of your need to control the outcome, moment to moment, one day at a time. Joy can only be experienced in the present moment
15. Most of our fears about what may happen in this relationship are really fears we experienced in past relationships, and have nothing to do with this person. Come to grips with what’s real and what’s Memorex! .
16. When in an argument, ask yourself Does this really PASS THE SO WHAT TEST? For you to be right does the other person have to be wrong? Think about it. Life is short. Don’t waste it on arguments that have no meaning or purpose. You can always agree to disagree if you need to. Then laugh about it, and go on to the next thing. Start observing your need to argue as just another dysfunctional, immature habit that needs to be broken.
17. When we finally learn to say we are sorry (at 3 or 93) we get to finally hear we are O.K. To error is human, and there is great virtue in all forgiveness, ourselves included. The best way to teach our children this lesson is by watching us demonstrate it.
18. Any negative, hurtful or sarcastic remark is abusive. Like a sharp knife, each word will carve out a chunk of a loving relationship that can never grow back. Please consider the source and outcome of your remarks, before you open you mouth to tell your truth.
19. Never let a day go by without saying and showing how much your relationship and partner mean to you. Never take a moment for granted. Express how grateful you are for your good fortune, however meek or humble it may be. Appreciation and gratefulness have magic in them. It seems the more we express them, the more reasons we are given to say thank you.
20. To have a functional relationship you have to be willing to risk loosing it everyday, by telling your truth. If you don’t feel free to tell your truth, start asking yourself why you think it’s so important to stay, and what else you are willing to loose besides your self-esteem.
For starters, you can ask your mate to tell their truth, and be willing to accept it at face value, without judgment. Now you both get to finally know the truth, and, if you each want a relationship based on what’s real for both of you.
…..for optimum results, start doing this in the first five minutes of meeting anyone.
IOW, my life is busy and complicated, but I wouldn't have it any other way, for I learn a new lesson every day.
This man is becoming a legend on this site! But when you start to accent the undies with a flannel vest, HOT DAMN!! How could you not be legendary?
DNFTT October 27, 2009
Tags: commenters, troll
For those of you not current on the terminology, DNFTT nstands for “Do Not Feed The Trolls.“
For my most recent commenters, (which have been removed) straight from Wikipedia:
TROLL
In Internet slang, a troll is someone who posts controversial, inflammatory, irrelevant, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room or blog, with the primary intent of provoking other users into an emotional response[1] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.[2]