I have been thinking about my current relationship alot lately, especially since I have been telling some friends about my amazing BF and explaining what is so great about our relationship, and about him. It reminded me several times of a blog I wrote last year after the second nasty breakup after my divorce in 2007. I just jumped right into one relationship and then another, and each one ended on a very painful note for me, and I did a lot of reflection each time. It was such a painful year in that sense, although much of it was amazing. Even the fractured pelvis I handled positively…
My point is that I had this thought that life was putting me through a *Relationship Crash Course*. I honestly felt that I was being put through the ringer, being forced to learn some tough lessons so that when the right man came along, I would be ready for him. I know that if I hadn’t learned what I did about myself and others last year, but especially back in September and October, that I would not have been ready for John. I would not be self-aware enough and probably would have ended up pushing him away, unwittingly. While it was hard at the time, I am so thankful for the painful experiences of last year. If you learn the lesson, you didn’t lose the game. While I may not be ready for planning the future with anyone, I was ready for John, who is open, honest, giving, funny, sensitive, sensuous, smart as the dickens, balanced, talented and all-around Awesome.
Here’s my old blog, although if you read it…keep in mind I have come a long way since then.
Here’s part of a post on Honesty from September of 2008:
On honesty and it’s place in a relationship
Current mood: pensive
So, been having some issues with honestly in my relationship, obviously. I find it hard to fathom how someone can not know that ultimate honesty is the basis of a relationship. Respect is really the foundation. Respect really is another term for unconditional love in my book. Out of respect comes honesty, for if you respect the person you are with, you know that honesty now will hurt him/her less in the long run. Unfortunately, honesty with others first requires honesty with self. One must address how he/she has erred in order to admit that to another. People are so in denial about their wrongs. In relationships, it all becomes about pointing fingers. When things go awry, even slightly off kilter, I first look at myself and how my actions might have changed to affect such change. I also look at the other person’s life to try and understand. I no longer believe in “selfish love”, in which you do something to elicit the other’s affection, adoration, etc. That is utter bullshit and serves the other person no good. The idea is to make the other person’s life better. If 2 people can make each other’s lives a little better, then that is a beautiful thing. It isn’t easy long term, but it is worth it.
I am reading a book called “Radical Honesty” by Brad Blanton. This guy doesn’t fuck around. Here is a little excerpt. I hope it’s meaning isn’t lost in translation, as it is on pg. 80 of the book:
‘Understanding telling the truth, like understanding golf, is relatively simple. Doing it is a little harder. Still, it’s clear that the revelations at each level of telling the truth allow for greater sharing of who a person is and what they are about. When we reveal more, we have less to hide. When we have less to hide, we are less worried about being found out. When we are less worried about being found out, we can pay better attention to someone else. In this way, telling the truth makes intimacy and freedom possible.’
How simple and beautiful and true! Why can’t everyone see it that way?! One must understand the 3 levels of truth he talks about to really get this, but it is applicable regardless.
******I am seeing this in action right now in my relationship. I have learned to tell the truth, and the fact that John is supportive and understanding makes it easier to do. I have told him things about myself noone else knows, NOONE. And it’s okay. I was always afraid I would be less attractive to someone, because these are things I find extremely unattractive about myself, hence noone else knows about them. Having John accept me regardless helps me to accept myself, to not see myself as *messed up*. I am not having to hide anything from him, and I feel I am a more conscientious partner because of it.
I think I was right about my Relationship Crash Course. I think it worked, and I don’t think that an amazing man has entered my life at just the right time. I. KNOW. IT.