No Festering Allowed!

I recently realized how destructive one simple misunderstanding can be, and how it can destroy an intimate relationship. One needs to trust their gut and make double sure they are clear on everything. If it bothers you at all, clarify. You may be seeing it all wrong.

I found the following blog this morning, and this article in particular is really great.

There Are No “Little Things” in Relationship!

Kate and Joel Feldman are psychotherapists who specialize in the field of Relationships. We happen to be married (25 years) and best friends for even longer. During that time we have been lucky enough to work with and train many couples and individuals seeking to deepen their relationship journey and grow themselves.
Our fascination with the world of relationships, including our own, is an ever present delight and opportunity for endless personal development, shared satisfaction and plenty of good chuckles.

There Are No “Little Things” in Relationship!

By joelfeldman

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For better or for worse, the “little things” in relationships, both good and bad, matter more than we’d like to believe. We’ve spoken before on this blog about our belief that daily life IS foreplay for couples. We know that large, regular doses of kindness offered to our partner make for great connection and intimacy. Continuing to water and feed the garden of our relationship is critical.

But there is another grouping of “Little Things” that we all must pay attention to… the Weeds! In honor of Summer, it seems appropriate to look at what our love interests have in common with our gardens. Weeding our relationship garden is critical. Weeds not dealt with can wreak havoc on those wonderful plants we’ve been cultivating for a while. We have one in particular that attaches itself to other plants and gradually chokes the life out of them. Can you see where I’m going with this?  I see it every day in my office; “small” problems or conflicts left unattended gradually suck the juice out of the relationship.

Believe me, I pull a lot of weeds out of our flower gardens. The problem is, many times I don’t get the whole root and they just grow back again. In our relationships, the weeds or frustrations we experience also have deeper roots. Without getting at these our conflicts simply return again and again in one form or another. They’ve been doing that our entire lives. There are no magic carpets we can sweep them under or weed killers that take care of the problem long term. “If we don’t deal, we can’t heal”. It’s an ongoing project.

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So be aware of what you say to yourself when tempted to toss yet another unresolved irritation under the rug(which can get downright bumpy at times). I’ll give you my top excuses for not addressing something that needs addressing:
“Why bother, it’ll just get her pissed”
“It’s no big deal, why take the time”
“It’s not a problem, why am I being so sensitive”
“I do a lot worse than that, why open a can of worms”

I have learned over time that my denials really don’t really give me what I want. A meticulous gardener knows this. Connected couples do too. Whenever we address the so-called “little things” well, we invariably come to see the deeper roots of our needs and fears. Whenever we make time to talk about these, with larger doses of owning and smaller portions of blame, I gain a greater understanding into both Kate’s world and my own. Whenever we put it off or ignore them, they inevitably become invisible walls that separate us from one another.

It’s summer…take some time to do a little “weed management” and watch your relationship garden blossom with aliveness, intimacy and deep satisfaction!


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