I wish I had typed this last night, when the thoughts were flowing…..
I feel like John is setting me free in some way, like when someone takes care of a bird with a broken wing and one day has to send it off, with a gentle push to make it fly.
It’s really that I am committing to myself…. but I feel like I am pushing out of a cocoon, but I haven’t shed it yet. It’s like coming out into a room that’s too bright. It’s exciting, but I am not adjusting quickly. I am not liberated.
Last night, I was lying in bed unable to sleep, and I had these thoughts that were much like a dream…. I felt like I was breaking free of the ties of other peoples’ opinions, that I was becoming who I am in my soul, without the influence of the outside world. There was a commitment to be how I WANT to be, how I need to be, and to let the rest fall into place. I imagined myself coming out of a shell, my head reaching through, and I felt my heart lift and open, and about the time my waist was ready to slide out, releasing that last bit like after a baby’s shoulders clear the birth canal, I suddenly hurt. It was a pressure on my chest and in my heart. I retreated, although not completely, and I held myself as some of the recent hurts flooded my brain. I cried, but only briefly. I am learning to let go, to bring myself out of my head and into my body, my breath, my heart.
All I can think is that there is some lesson unlearned before I can move onto this next phase. I think it is fully accepting and loving oneself. I am taking my engagement to myself seriously. It was written with a sense of humor, but it was not flippant.
Today was my fourth day of yoga in a row, and certain things were improved, while other things ached. At the end, I laid in the corpse pose and felt some tears, tears without thought, and I slowly took my arms and wrapped them around myself, gently, fully, and with love. As I breathed deeply, I could feel almost as if someone else was hugging me. It was the strength inside of me, and it felt good.