What a scientific report really means

  1. “IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN” : I didn’t look up the original reference.
  2. “A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT”: These data are practically meaningless.
  3. “WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS”: An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
  4. “THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY”: The other results didn’t make any sense.
  5. “TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN”: This is the prettiest graph.
  6. “THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT”: I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
  7. “THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES”: He was my graduate student, his grade depended on this.
  8. “IN MY EXPERINCE”: Once
  9. “IN CASE AFTER CASE”: Twice
  10. “IN A SERIES OF CASES”: Thrice
  11. “IT IS BELIEVED THAT”: I think so.
  12. “IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT” : A couple of other guys think so too.
  13. “CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE”: Wrong.
  14. “ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS”: Rumor has it.
  15. “A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJETION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS”: A wild guess.
  16. “A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA”: Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
  17. “IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS”: I don’t understand it.
  18. “AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES”: They don’t understand it either.
  19. “THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO ANDREA SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS”: Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Shaeffer explained to me what it meant
  20. “A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY”: A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
  21. “IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD”: I quit.
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s