Out of sequence

I spent most of my day sitting next to my grandmother, who is failing for about the 5th time since New Year’s Day. I think this woman has 9 lives. We really thought today would be the last time, but now we aren’t so certain. Like Nick said tonight, “I know where you get your tenacity”. So, I posted two pics from the same day, as I am a day late on the 333 project. When I took the photo of my mom and grandma, there was a glow around them both from the sun coming in….but it is really more. So much is said in the hang of her head, her focus.

So much has been going on. After sitting for hours holding my grandmother’s hand, I said goodbye to my dad and sister as they went home, and I was left with my mom. I brought out some legal papers that I needed to call on (that’s a whole ‘nother story of what is going on in my life), and I sat there, numbly staring….paralyzed. I hit overload. I told my mom that I don’t like feeling out of control of my life. My mom and I talked about how over the past couple of years we both have been so stressed, that we had each somehow “lost control” of all the day to day things. All those little things we need to follow up on, schedule, pay, etc….. they are so many and so scattered that it’s hard to know where to start. I want my mom to go to the Center For Life to get some help for her stress, but she said that maybe once things slow down, she will do it. Right now, with her latest move, selling of her house and business, moving my grandmother into a nursing home, and dealing with the crises of both of her daughters, even scheduling the appointment and showing up is just too much.

I finally left, and went straight to the MVD Express to re-register my car. My registration had expired in October. I texted mom, and she replied. ‘That was step one!! Good 4 u!’, so I then went to get printer ink. I had gone about 2 months without a printer because I hadn’t stopped to get ink. I texted her, and her reply was ‘ Step 2!! See u r on a roll! Don’t stop now.’ I love my mom. Even when she needs support as she is left alone to sit with her dying mother, she is my cheerleader in the most basic tasks of life, which have become overwhelming, they are so many.

So, a little update on my life:

March 17th= Match day. I have spent well over a year researching residency programs. I visited most of the programs I applied to prior to applying, and I interviewed at 5 places. I ranked four, and I decided to really focus on fit, knowing I had looked at all of the factors and could handle the move if need be. I ranked University of Washington first. Match day rolls around, and I wake up at 6am, look at my phone, and there in my gmail account is the email stating the fate of my next year or so. I couldn’t open it. I was paralyzed, so scared to open it. When I finally opened the email, and it said that I didn’t match with a program, I was dumbfounded. I knew this was a possibility, but I hadn’t really thought about plan B. I was too busy planning for Plan A1-4. I skipped my 10:30am doctor appointment so that I could sit at my computer at 10am and see the list of programs that didn’t match. 150 residency spots, and 1100 unmatched applicants. A Scramble it was! I emailed several places, opening up the possibility of going to California. They have all basically filled. I had one phone interview. That afternoon, I rode 3 hours, and when I returned, I felt sick….feverish, congested, tired. Thankfully, it was Spring Break.

I haven’t cried about not matching. While part of me is disappointed and scared at the possibility of not getting a job I want without a residency, part of me is excited. Suddenly, any door I want to open is there. I am about to shut the door on 10 years of college and move onto the next phase in my life. I just don’t know which door to go through. I really like Seattle, but for  many more reasons than one might think. It is an integrative medicine mecca there. I can write more on that later. I can stay here and reapply next year, or not. The job market is bad, but I did apply at UNM Hospital for the staff pharmacist position. I could get another certification. I could go into consulting, or work for Pharmaca, or home care, hospice care…. you name it. So many options, so little research done. Again, another post altogether I feel.

So, I feel like all the pieces of my life I had tried to put together and all the decisions I anguished over….are like a deck of cards…picked up and tossed to the wind. I am waiting to see what lands. You never know what’s in the cards, after all.

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2 thoughts on “Out of sequence

  1. I just lost my grandmother. I don’t know how moms seemingly hold it together so well in these situations. Hold strong!

    A technical “match” in this case is a misnomer. The real match is better decided by you rather than the system anyhow!

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