Lately, I find my self thinking back to the end of last year, when I announced my marriage to myself, and spent a good three months truly celebrating myself and embracing who I am without negativitiy. I started eating better, I took yoga because it gave me more joy than cycling at the time, I cut my hair finally, and I dressed more feminine, but in the way I wanted, not heels and short skirts and the like. I look back and wonder what I did to lose touch with that, or how I can reinstill that in my life. It takes being brutally honest with myself. The whole decision to marry myself came out of a personal crisis. I needed to take the reigns or lose myself, or so it seemed. It was liberating, exciting, rejuvenating, and then I started back on rotation and lost a lot of that. Finding that balance while in grad school and while dealing with the emotional and physical issues of an hormonal 11-year-old daughter…..well, it’s tough, to say the least.
I keep my chin up, and I always feel that things will work out, somehow, some way. I have a great network of family and friends, and the humility to ask for help (something I learned to do this last year). Sometimes, I just want to curl up and have it all drift away. I find myself wanting to be lost in happy feelings of the moment, but too much of that creates more stress from things undone. Where is the balance? On one hand, I have soooo much to do. I have a court case on Monday; I am on rotation until early May; I am going to France for an International Forum on Healthcare, and I have to study for my boards, earn my intern hours, actually pass my boards, and in the midst of all this I really need to find a job.
After all the stress of wondering if I wanted to move out of state, if I was willing to take that leap and deciding I was…. and then not matching… it changes everything. I stressed so much over that decision, because it involved my daughter, my family, my friends, basically my emotional support network. Add to that a blossoming relationship with someone whom has always been very special to me, and things get hard.
Now, I just need to find a job in town. I can’t imagine moving unless it’s for something that will just MAKE my career. At this point, I really am looking forward to having a semblance of a life. When I found out I didn’t match, I was disappointed, but I also realized that I might have a life for the first time in 10 years. Although, I really did do a lot in 2005 as an undergrad, but that is a whole ‘nother ballgame.
So, seeking balance…and right now, I “should” be reading for tomorrow, but I just need a break. I find myself not wanting to work out, because I am afraid I will do that and find I didn’t leave enough time to do what I need to do for the next day. I never know what will come up with my daughter, and thankfully she is self-sufficient. I haven’t made dinner in 3 days, and she is totally cool with it. She made a veggie burger tonight, and was very proud of her cooking abilities. :0)
Okay, I have talked ’round in circles, and now I need to get more stuff done. What I would rather do is snuggle up with Nick, feel the stress melt away, and drift off with a smile on my face. Soon…