So many things I could blog about, but it really comes down to me being in limbo. On one hand, I feel really positive about my life. I graduated pharmacy school, have my intern job for now, am not completely broke yet (but close), am spending much needed time with my pillow and with my friends, am trying new things like climbing and perhaps skydiving, and I am working on increasing my physical activity. On the other hand, I have this creeping fear/depression that keeps trying to eek its way in to my life.
I had the craziest dream this morning. I can’t remember all of it, but I do remember that Keely was doing silly stuff like putting basketballs in her shirt. Yes, basketballs….for boobs. It was absurd. But, it gets worse. I then find out she has probably 6 or 7 piercings along the middle of her tongue. Now, how did I miss that? And who did it?! Turns out a friend of my sister did it, and I was seriously considering pressing charges for child abuse…dunno if that is possible, but I wanted this person to suffer. Keely was clueless to the repercussions, of course. That is the problem. There is more, but that was a prominent part of my dream.
I don’t know if it is a fear of being out of control of what is happening, or a fear of …..being out of control. She is starting middle school in the fall, and she likes boys, wears bras, steals my makeup, etc. etc.. On my side, I can’t find a job, and I don’t know how long my intern job will last. How on earth did this happen? I had worked so hard networking for residency and setting things up, even travelling twice to certain facilities to make sure it was a good match and to make my presence known. None of it helped.
Add to that negative, self-defeating thoughts creeping in regarding relationships (tends to happen around 5-6 months I have noticed), and I have a bunch of negative forces trying to push their way in. I am trying to work out more, get plenty of sleep, gradually get myself on a good schedule, spend time with people I care about, not stress too much, and trust that things will turn out right. So far, the positive thoughts are winning. I hate when the negative creeps in though. I am trying to remind myself of my engagement to myself. When I treat myself like I would treat a partner, I am not only happier, but I am a better influence on the people around me.
Despite feeling like things will work out, I hope that divine intervention plays a role in my life….and soon. Otherwise, I might not make it under that limbo stick as it moves down, down, down.