What a crazy experience I had today! With all the change I have gone through lately, I decided I needed some bodywork. My usual massage therapist (and by usual I mean about 3x/year) is not available until December, so I decided to go for a guy I had met recently that works at the massage school and is a friend of my friend. He does shiatsu and acupuncture, and I really resonate with him. You just know when someone will be good for you.
So, I showed up at his place in Haiku a bit early, and he walked up with a baby acorn squash plant, asked me how I was, and then planted the tender green. While he washed up, I stood outside and listened to the breeze, watched the ocean in the distance, listened to the crackle of the small bamboo forests off to my right as they swayed in the wind, and became completely mesmerized. Hypnotic would be a good way to describe this beautiful place.
TJ took me to the treatment room, and we started my journey. I explained that I often cry with body work, and the tears started before he even touched me. He worked with me to release my breath, told me NOT to swallow back the tears, and to let them out with my breath. He became a channel for my energy, and when I needed to release something, he would make the sounds that I should be making. I just have a hard time letting out vocalizations with my release. That is something I really need to work on, for sure. I think that I lot of my jaw and neck tension would go away if I would vocalize more. So, he manipulated me, stretched me, worked with me to release tensions, and then he turned me over to start the acupuncture. The first needle went in through the top of my head. That meant there was going to be a lot to let go of. He continued some shiatsu, and I was surprised at how tender I was. I had taken a few days off of the bike and had been trying some yoga instead, but tension is tension. When he was ready to insert the rest of the needles, he put a sheet below my face on the floor and said to feel free to drool, drip, whatever. “Oh boy,” I thought. What is going to happen next? Before the first needle, he asked if I had done acupuncture before, and I said just once. His response was a cautious “Oh boy.” They were intense, much more intense than the first time I had it done. My right back muscles jumped from the point where he inserted all the way to my head, so he decided to cup me. My back muscles were too “strong”, so he had to downsize the cups to get a flat surface. I asked him what THAT was (the jumping), and he said it was fear. Makes sense. Fear of the unknown is a common theme in my life right now.
He finished the insertions then left me to relax. As he left, he said “pass out if you can” but that was just not happening. I tried, but something welled up in me, and waves of sobs came through me…over and over and over. It’s amazing what the body holds on to. I had no thoughts of anything sad, or anything that has bothered me. This was purely raw physical emotional release, no holding back. Gradually, it subsided, and I was able to relax. At one point, it felt like my senses all closed in around me. The sounds became distant and muffled, and the light in my eyes moved to the center of my attention and then vanished. My sensorium had become contained in a little black box, and it was peaceful. No thoughts, except that this was somewhat odd and unexpected, and I hoped it would last awhile. I was very literally in my own little world, closed off from all that existed around me.
When TJ came back and removed the needles, I sat up and he looked at me, taking stock of my state. I explained I had ‘quite the release’ after he left, and then he told me to take it easy the rest of the day. I agreed, and then he immediately said, “don’t do that. I can see you strategizing and planning already.” It was true. My mind had instantly jumped to what I had to do that day.
He told me to just BE. ‘In Faith, no Fear’. He said to dance more, breathe and be.
I wasn’t fully able to let go that day. I still had stuff to do, but I think with some more sessions, I can get there….
In Faith, No Fear….No Fear