I keep meeting people that are on the brink of, in, or just out of a divorce. Now, maybe it’s just our society and a large portion of the population is in that limbo part of their lives. Maybe it’s because I am often in a social situation with couples where I am single, and hence the safe one to talk to regarding these things. Actually, that’s probably a lot of it.
Anyhoo, I find that many of these people talk about what they do NOT want. They take what they didn’t like about their relationship and say, “I don’t ever want to be with someone like that again” or “I don’t ever want to be in a loveless relationship again”. Defining what you don’t want is good, but it is only the first of many steps.
Step one: Break down the dance- all relationships are a dance. Anyone you encounter, each person is reacting off the other. So, look at the beginning of this relationship and figure out when things changed. Was it something hurtful that never got resolved? Was it a change in view of yourself or the other that was never clearly communicated? Maybe one of you was leading too often. Either way, at some point, the dance became incongruent and out of sync. What was your part in that? Be honest with yourself! Stop pointing fingers and look at your reactions to what happened. Look at how your reactions (or lack of) may have perpetuated things. You cannot change the other person, but you can change how you interact with your world. If you don’t look at yourself, you will make the same mistakes with someone else, and the dance starts all over again. Hopefully, you have been brutally honest with yourself by now.
Step Two: Forgive– Now that you have seen how easy it is to fall into destructive patterns, and you see how you have hurt the other person and even perpetuated things, it is easier to forgive and let go. What’s done is done. Learn the lesson and move on. We are all only human. If you hold a grudge, you will never be healthy and happy. You will take that grudge and project onto others. Shed it like a restrictive cocoon and be free like a butterfly.
Step Three: Re-choreograph your dance– Hopefully, you have learned a lot about yourself now. (BTW, this is not an overnight process. It can take one relationship, or it can take many. Feel free to practice as much as is needed!) Okay, so now, you are more ready to say what you DO want. What you do NOT want is no longer as pertinent, because you now see how you have played into that dysfunctional dance. Also, by focusing on the positive, you bring that into your life. Write down what you want and need in a relationship. Listen to your mind and redirect it to the positive phrasing as much as possible. If you have read The Secret, you probably know what I am getting at. Our mind focuses on whatever we choose. There is no positive or negative registered by the universe. If you concentrate on what you don’t want, then your mind is thinking about just that. Only focus on what you do want, and you will find yourself attracting that into your life. Defining what you want and need is not as easy as you may think. It’s easier to think “I don’t want that again”. But this is a crucial activity. Take as long as you want and need. You have your whole life, and it’s too important to not do right.
Step Four: Go out and dance– Now that you have been honest with yourself, and let go of regret and other negative emotions, and redefined your dance, you can start manifesting what you want. Take your time, be truthful and understanding. Approach each person with an understanding of their phase in life and the fact that they may be in a totally different phase than you, and THAT IS OKAY. Just like social dancing, everyone is at different levels. Sometimes, the people we dance with sweep us off of our feet, but we just aren’t ready to dance at their level. We sure learn a lot from our brief sessions though. Some people we can help get to the next level, but they aren’t quite ready for us as a dance partner. Take your time, dance as much as you need to. When the dance is done, don’t hold onto it. Take the experience for what it was, and go dance with someone else. Sometimes, you come back to people at a different level, and that is great too! Above all, be honest with people, including yourself. And enjoy the dance!