Hold Me Sweetly

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Again, I am drinking my Yogi brand tea for Throat comfort, and again I am reminded that the best things come in small packages.

“Trust creates peace”

I have so many people mistrusting me lately for reasons based in their own fears. I realize now it was their own fears, but in the heat of the fire, I was panicked, unsure, anxious, doubting myself, which only played into their view (projection) of me. I alleviated the worst of it yesterday, and today was full of so many wonderful affirmations from professionals, friends, and strangers alike that I am the good person I thought, and not the monster these people made me out to be.

If trust creates peace, then mistrust creates hell, for everyone involved. Trust has to also include trust in yourself. Trust in yourself really requires trust in something larger than you. Call it what you want, but being able to trust that things are truly happening as they need to is not easy. It takes surrender.

I received a healing from my friend today, who used to train in Sufi healings, and it was interesting what came up. Not surprising, but interesting.  He told me to drop into my heart, and I honestly didn’t know what that meant. I still don’t, but I thought about opening, breathing into my heart, etc. At first, lights behind my eyes were billowing in and out, in the shape of a heart, and purple even. Then, I tried to envision my physical self, with the area of my heart expanding with each breath, and in my mind’s eye, that area was caved in. It just wouldn’t budge and expand.

From there, my body felt very large and heavy, like I was inside a giant rock, but it didn’t bother me, and I didn’t feel stifled. I transitioned out of that into something else…so much I forget it all. At one point, my friend told me to ‘feel completely supported’, and I was instantly brought back to one of the darkest, most challenging times in my life. It was one of the nights shortly before I gave up my dream of dance.

I had a full scholarship to San Francisco Ballet School, but I didn’t have any way to support myself. My body was shutting down. My hips were so tight and painful that I sat out of many classes. I never went to anyone for help. I called up my pilates instructor one night in desperation to alleviate some of the tightness and pain so I could take class.

She had me lie down on the floor of my little basement room and put my legs up the wall. ‘Now, let the floor completely support you. You don’t have to hold yourself. Feel completely supported.’  And as the floor came to meet my body and hold me, I broke down. Like a little girl running to her mom’s embrace, I sobbed. I had been holding my pride, holding my life together, holding in my hurt and pain, and my body reflected it. I wasn’t even able to trust that the ground beneath me would support me.

Today was a reminder to trust that the world around me will hold me. I need not resist or hold or brace against anything. That is lack of trust in everything in the world, which is really all one breathing soul with limitless manifestations. How can I not trust that which is of me? When I start hurting and feeling like things aren’t going well, that somehow I am not a part of this amazing world of peace and light, I will PAUSE, FEEL the earth and the space around me, SURRENDER to the moment, and be THANKFUL for this universe that holds me so sweetly.

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Lucky Girl

For so many years, I would deal with my problems alone. If I was lonely, I didn’t know how to reach out. I didn’t foster enough relationships where that kind of middle-of-the-night call was okay and welcomed. But, I actually had those relationships for a while and didn’t realize it. I still isolated myself. Somewhere, somehow, I realized that these people really were my friends, that we shared a bond strong enough for them to have the devotion to me I have to all of them. And somewhere, somehow, I learned to reach out. I hate that I wait until I am down to reach out to some of these folks. I can tell you though, that when I am down, I have a small and special group of people peppered all over that welcome my call.

I love my friends in many different ways. I love them for the smiles , the experiences , and the excitement about life they share with me. I love them for being available and understanding. I love them for being my mirror and reflecting back the person THEY see, which is inevitably much better than the person I perceive myself to be during my low times. They remind me of who I am and what I stand for. They remind me of what I need in life, vs what I am getting. I love them for being vulnerable when THEY need someone to be their light or their mirror.

Everyone needs someone to lean on. I have plenty of people to lean on, and I wish I contacted them more often, before I was down. I love them for not judging me for that, and for just being happy that we can connect when we do, and that we can help each other when the need arises.

I am one lucky girl. Thank you to my special friends. You know who you are.

Limbo Land

So many things I could blog about, but it really comes down to me being in limbo. On one hand, I feel really positive about my life. I graduated pharmacy school, have my intern job for now, am not completely broke yet (but close), am spending much needed time with my pillow and with my friends, am trying new things like climbing and perhaps skydiving, and I am working on increasing my physical activity. On the other hand, I have this creeping fear/depression that keeps trying to eek its way in to my life.

I had the craziest dream this morning. I can’t remember all of it, but I do remember that Keely was doing silly stuff like putting basketballs in her shirt. Yes, basketballs….for boobs. It was absurd. But, it gets worse. I then find out she has probably 6 or 7 piercings along the middle of her tongue. Now, how did I miss that? And who did it?!  Turns out a friend of my sister did it, and I was seriously considering pressing charges for child abuse…dunno if that is possible, but I wanted this person to suffer. Keely was clueless to the repercussions, of course. That is the problem. There is more, but that was  a prominent part of my dream.

I don’t know if it is a fear of being out of control of what is happening, or a fear of …..being out of control. She is starting middle school in the fall, and she likes boys, wears bras, steals my makeup, etc. etc.. On my side, I can’t find a job, and I don’t know how long my intern job will last. How on earth did this happen? I had worked so hard networking for residency and setting things up, even travelling twice to certain facilities to make sure it was a good match and to make my presence known. None of it helped.

Add to that negative, self-defeating thoughts creeping in regarding relationships (tends to happen around 5-6 months I have noticed), and I have a bunch of negative forces trying to push their way in. I am trying to work out more, get plenty of sleep, gradually get myself on a good schedule, spend time with people I care about, not stress too much, and trust that things will turn out right. So far, the positive thoughts are winning. I hate when the negative creeps in though. I am trying to remind myself of my engagement to myself. When I treat myself like I would treat a partner, I am not only happier, but I am a better influence on the people around me.

Despite feeling like things will work out, I hope that divine intervention plays a role in my life….and soon. Otherwise, I might not make it under that limbo stick as it moves down, down, down.

Illusions and delusions- Stress, pain, depression

I don’t know that the title of this blog is totally appropriate, but I can say that this first week of rotations was interesting, frustrating, rewarding, EXHAUSTING, and reaffirming.

Pain, stress, and lack of sleep are highly entertwined. When someone hurts, they are stressed, and they sleep less, and so they are stressed more, which causes more pain, which causes stress, which causes lack of sleep….you get the idea probably by now. So, many of our patients have sleep problems. On top of that, they may be coming in because their pain management regimen isn’t working. During the interview, we usually uncover all kinds of new stressors…. family stress, deaths in the family, domestic and/or caretaker abuse, uncovered addiction patterns, etc. I commented after a particularly odd day to my preceptor that I felt mentally stable that day, relatively speaking (you learn to appreciate how well off you are very quickly), to which he replied “that’s an illusion”. That statement keeps popping in my head, especially after yesterday.

I feel I have a bit of a leg up on many of the other students on this rotation, for I have dealt with many of the prominent issues either personally or first-hand. My first husband was a drug addict and alcoholic, verbally abusive and controlling, and occasionally physically abusive. I have dealt with my own addictive tendencies and understand the mentality of an addict, the single-mindedness they are possessed by. Anyone who has traveled with me has seen this first-hand. My first thought is “where can I get REAL coffee to start my day?” I seek that out as soon as I have reached my destination and unpacked. It’s my addiction of choice. Perhaps it’s a weak example, but trust me that I have dealt with bigger issues. I still have that single-mindedness though, it’s just about things like exercise and coffee. I also have dealt with depression, and I am not talking about ‘being down’. I have suffered from clinical depression during several periods in my life since my teenage years, and yesterday I saw someone who looked so much like one of my cousins and reminded me of where I was just a few short months ago. I will call this person TP for This Patient, for confidentiality’s sake.

TP came in with not very much pain, especially compared to most of our patients. What I did notice right off the bat was a somewhat nervous demeanor and a shaky voice, as if the waters were bubbling and threatening to spill over at the slightest mention of what may have been bothering TP. I saw the twitch of the side of the mouth, trying to control the facial expression… (if you attempt to turn up your mouth in a smile, it can stave off tears for a bit, sometimes)… the averted eyes, the wringing of the hands, the adjustment in posture to attempt to ‘hold it together’. I knew that the tears would flow at some point. I had a lot of questions to ask, so something was bound to come out….the tears did come, and TP fought them back to which I replied, “It’s okay” while I tried to stear the conversation back to solid questions, more for TP’s sake than mine. I was not uncomfortable in the least, and I think TP somewhat gathered this. TP was suffering from a depression that had a stronghold on TP’s life, that threatened to pull TP under….like quicksand. I knew all too well that feeling.

I was talking about it with my fellow student on the rotation afterward and telling her that clinical depression is real, but for anyone who hasn’t experienced it, it’s very hard to truly empathize and understand. I told her that most of last semester, I was often on the verge of tears, and didn’t always know why. I told her about a day last semester when I left class and headed to my car. It was a beautiful day out, and the day had been pretty easy…nothing stressful had happened, and nothing in particular was on my mind…and then the tears started flowing. I was walking along, tears streaming down my face, all the while thinking ‘what the hell is wrong with me?’. No one thought had tipped me off. I was not obsessing over something bothersome…it just happened. At times like this, one wonders what’s wrong with them, which only makes things worse. I just wanted it to go away. That is a small example of a manifestation of clinical depression. It takes a hold of your lapels, picks you up and spins you around, throws you up and down. Sometimes it takes you from behind, grabs your collar, and holds you back, pulls you down on your ass and holds you there…sometimes it wraps around you, suffocates you….squeezing the little life you feel you have left right out of you. Sometimes it’s in your face, clouding the rest of the world, completely obstructing your view of the world around you, of reality, of YOUR LIFE. The concept of having control of your emotions is completely lost. Someone like me, a goal-oriented person that is seemingly very ‘together’ has a very hard time with feeling completely out of control. I have too much on the line to be out of control.

During these times, I have a whole host of physical problems. This time, I was gaining weight, had odd pains, lack of energy, coupled with insomnia, severe acne, other skin problems. I felt like I was completely falling apart, and I kept searching for a medical explanation for all my odd ailments. In retrospect, while I am still dealing with the lasting effects of a few things (weight and skin problems), I feel it was mainly depression, which does not show up on any lab test they can perform on you. Do you see where I am going yet?

Many patients we deal with have depression. Either the pain caused the depression, and they compounded each other, or the depression worsened the pain. So, while I am in a Chronic Pain Management clinic, we treat a triad-… sleep, psychological, and pain. One cannot treat pain without taking the others into account. You can treat pain, but if you don’t address the psychological issues compounded by it, it won’t resolve. If you don’t address the sleep issues, the body and mind won’t have a chance to heal, and the pain will not resolve.

I am taking some of our questions and trying to ask myself the same things, assessing my level of stress, my ability to cope currently, etc. Athletes are great at convincing themselves they aren’t doing enough, when often they are doing too much. Often, when an athlete is injured and can’t exercise, all those natural opioids that are normally released during exercise aren’t being released, and the injury hurts worse, and the depression sets in. Then the person doesn’t want to exercise, which makes him more depressed, which worsens the depression, and the cycle continues. These endogenous natural opoids are our own version of the drugs we give to patients for their pain. Those narcotics such as percocet, morphine, codeine, vicodin, oxycontin, etc…. they are essentially potent versions of what we can produce ourselves, just in a different delivery form.

So, next time you are down, know you are not alone, get your butt out there and exercise. Don’t let your mood take control of your life. If you do feel out of control, seek help. There are places to get help from because so many people have problems with depression, stressors in their lives, obsessions, etc. It’s OKAY. We are all human.

As my preceptor would say, “Go out there and LIVE WELL.’

Here’s an article on the program I am interning at:

Provision of Pain Management by a Pharmacist With Prescribing Authority: Description of the Program

************************************************SOME SOURCES FOR HELP**************************

Christian Counseling Centers of New Mexico -You don’t have to be Christian to go here, and I have heard it’s a great resource.

Rape Crisis Center-24 Hour

It is NEVER okay for someone to do something to your body that you are not okay with. NO means NO. It’s never your fault when someone violates you, and there does not need to be violence involved to be considered rape, nor does it need to be a stranger.

New Mexico Domestic Violence Crisis And Support Resources
Scroll down this page for the resource listing. There are many avenues for psychological support, financial and legal support, and more. There is always a way out, and if you don’t have family nearby to help, there are people you don’t yet know just waiting for your call or your visit who will help protect you, support you, and guide you.