Hold Me Sweetly


Again, I am drinking my Yogi brand tea for Throat comfort, and again I am reminded that the best things come in small packages.

“Trust creates peace”

I have so many people mistrusting me lately for reasons based in their own fears. I realize now it was their own fears, but in the heat of the fire, I was panicked, unsure, anxious, doubting myself, which only played into their view (projection) of me. I alleviated the worst of it yesterday, and today was full of so many wonderful affirmations from professionals, friends, and strangers alike that I am the good person I thought, and not the monster these people made me out to be.

If trust creates peace, then mistrust creates hell, for everyone involved. Trust has to also include trust in yourself. Trust in yourself really requires trust in something larger than you. Call it what you want, but being able to trust that things are truly happening as they need to is not easy. It takes surrender.

I received a healing from my friend today, who used to train in Sufi healings, and it was interesting what came up. Not surprising, but interesting.  He told me to drop into my heart, and I honestly didn’t know what that meant. I still don’t, but I thought about opening, breathing into my heart, etc. At first, lights behind my eyes were billowing in and out, in the shape of a heart, and purple even. Then, I tried to envision my physical self, with the area of my heart expanding with each breath, and in my mind’s eye, that area was caved in. It just wouldn’t budge and expand.

From there, my body felt very large and heavy, like I was inside a giant rock, but it didn’t bother me, and I didn’t feel stifled. I transitioned out of that into something else…so much I forget it all. At one point, my friend told me to ‘feel completely supported’, and I was instantly brought back to one of the darkest, most challenging times in my life. It was one of the nights shortly before I gave up my dream of dance.

I had a full scholarship to San Francisco Ballet School, but I didn’t have any way to support myself. My body was shutting down. My hips were so tight and painful that I sat out of many classes. I never went to anyone for help. I called up my pilates instructor one night in desperation to alleviate some of the tightness and pain so I could take class.

She had me lie down on the floor of my little basement room and put my legs up the wall. ‘Now, let the floor completely support you. You don’t have to hold yourself. Feel completely supported.’  And as the floor came to meet my body and hold me, I broke down. Like a little girl running to her mom’s embrace, I sobbed. I had been holding my pride, holding my life together, holding in my hurt and pain, and my body reflected it. I wasn’t even able to trust that the ground beneath me would support me.

Today was a reminder to trust that the world around me will hold me. I need not resist or hold or brace against anything. That is lack of trust in everything in the world, which is really all one breathing soul with limitless manifestations. How can I not trust that which is of me? When I start hurting and feeling like things aren’t going well, that somehow I am not a part of this amazing world of peace and light, I will PAUSE, FEEL the earth and the space around me, SURRENDER to the moment, and be THANKFUL for this universe that holds me so sweetly.


Putting My Order In

I want to talk about the power of positive thinking. You may think, “yeah, yeah, rainbows and unicorns. Just smile, and life will be dandy.” No, it goes much further than that. Saying just smiling will take care of things is like saying that the grinning person behind the counter you just annoyed really IS happy to see you, when you know they would rather throw something at you.

Over the past 3-4 years, I have been gradually learning to create my own reality, little by little. It started with The Secret. I read the book and have never seen the movie. It’s simple, really, at first. I was having problems in relationships, and so I used the concept that you attract what you concentrate on in figuring out my part in the demise of my relationships. It’s all a dance, and we each play our part. I realized that, as much as I didn’t want to, I was attracting the same old things I did NOT want. This was because I was concentrating on avoiding them, and so I was much more privy to actions that played into that concept. I was waiting for the betrayal, and hence often reading into things too much. The best example I use when explaining it to people is to rephrase the all too-common “I don’t want to gain weight” into the positive “I want to be healthy and svelte”. Then, you are only concentrated on the actions that lead to what you DO want. Try and say each phrase to yourself and imagine the thoughts that would come up with each one, and actions you would more likely take.

I found that I was getting somewhat better at the relationship thing, but I had other issues in my life keeping me from fully realizing. I remembered the power of positive thinking from 2008, when I broke my pelvis. I was in amazing shape for triathlons and ready to race all summer. I could have been devastated, but I took it as a sign I needed to stop and smell the roses. Honestly, I had no choice but to slow down. I chose to look at the positive that could come out of it and never focused on the negative, since it served me no purpose whatsoever. I realized I needed to apply that to my whole life. It’s a gradual process. It starts with awareness, and the easiest habits you can chip away at first, and the other ones you need to go at layer by layer. It all happens not by effort, but by awareness and INTENT.

I remember working in a national committee whose director used to say, “perception is everything”. She was talking about our professional image, and, at the time, I disagreed. Now, I see what she said completely differently. Perception IS everything. We create our own reality every day, and we have a conscious choice to make our world beautiful or not. We can be a victim or not. We can be guilty or not. We can be whatever we want, or not.

Around the same time I was starting to apply these principles to my life, I received some great advice from a dear friend of mine. I had told someone I was dating what I wanted in a relationship, but I wasn’t sure whether that was something he could actually provide. I was worried that he wouldn’t be able to come through. My friend said, “when you put in an order on Amazon, do you sit by the mailbox waiting for the package to arrive, or check incessantly online to see if it’s going to make it? No, you put your order in, then trust that it will arrive.” With positive intent, I voiced what I truly wanted, and I had to trust that the universe would provide. It was really hard at first, but I started to see things happening. Things in my life fell into place more and more, until to this day, I am amazed at the power of serendipity. Things happen just in time. I don’t wait for things to come to me, but I voice my intent to the universe, through thought, action and communication with other people. The voice has power. I could go on and on about all the serendipitous events that have occurred in just the last 2 months, but trust me, when you are tuned into this and trust the universe and see how beautiful and supportive it is, you will understand.

I searched for “manifesting” on Google to see if I could find a good definition, and I found this little clip. It does a great job of looking at the different layers. I have made it to level four in many aspects of my life, but like I said, the deeper ingrained the habit, the longer it takes to chip away at. I just go deeper and deeper and deeper. The fifth level I can’t yet fathom, but I look forward to seeing the power of positive intent and seeing how I can manifest my dreams in this reality I create each and every day.

Breath melt

Breath, Time, Space and Self

Breath, and the control of it, helps you unite, but not just with yourself.

Yoga means “union”, and it is often referred to as the union with yourself, but it is much more than that. It is union with all that is life.

Quickened, focused breath,  creates heat and energy. As in kundalini yoga, this is how I unite with the energy in my body and with the energy all around me.

It also creates personal space. It is unlikely that focused pranayama breathing will bring two people physically closer together, although when people get close, it can increase breathing. This increased breathing does not always a union create. You tune in to the energy and tune out the body and mind.

Now, slowed conscious breathing is different. It allows us to slow down our mind and body. It allows us to melt into ourselves and melt into others, to feel our bodies fully. Full breathing creates a space for one to melt into, whether that be yourself or someone else. It not only nourishes our body, but it allows for union. It is a receptive act to slow down and be conscious to all within you.

I think for proper union to take place with self, whether yourself or another, things must be slowed down and given the time and space to evolve organically. Like the ocean, when the waves are small, it is easy to see through the water to the bottom. When the waves are rough, you can feel the energy of the waves, but you can not see clearly for all the sand.