Still Waters Run Deep

Don’t let the Bunny reference fool you.

The smile, humor, and hop in the step are the surface of the lake. When the waters are disturbed at any level, the surface reflects, but does not mirror, the magnitude of the disturbance.

I am capable.

Of immense strength and resolve, but also intense vulnerability and surrender.

Of undying love and devotion, but also absolute indifference.

Of exalted joy, yet also debilitating despair.

Of raging fury, yet utmost compassion.

Finding that balance between the two extremes is a daily struggle, but also a perpetual joy, for it is my awareness and attention to finding that balance that teach me so much about myself, and about others.

I am capable.

Of navigating the deep waters, for my emotions are my reflection of all that lies deep in my soul.

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Surreality

What do vivid dreams mean? I went to TEDxMaui tonight, and I really enjoyed listening to Dr. Jacob Lieberman. He spoke with such clarity, both calm and passionate at the same time. He talked about a dream he had where he could see himself sleeping and he then saw every detail of a speech he was to give a year later. The speech happened just like in his dream, without his intervention.

It was timely, considering the night before, I had one of the weirdest dream nights ever. I was sleeping with my partner, but I remember several instances of interacting with him, and I couldn’t tell if they were real or not. Even upon waking, I couldn’t remember what was real. This is why. At one point, I was lying on my back, and he put his hand gently on the crown of my head. Under his touch, my head became hot, my mind envisioning scarlet red. I felt myself relaxing into the sensation, and then he gently put one finger on the back of my head, just behind and below the crown. I can’t describe the energy shift, but I saw the room, and I saw the glowing outline of a white flower in my field of vision. At the same time, I froze.  I went from blissful relaxation to utter panic. I couldn’t inhale, and I couldn’t move. Inside, I was crying “Help me! Help me! Oh God, please help me!”, but no movement of my body, my arms, nor my lungs to be able to say anything. Meanwhile, this white flower is forever in my vision, which couldn’t change. My eyes couldn’t move. NOTHING in my body responded to my mental orders. It lasted what seemed like an eternity. HELPLESS, lying right next to someone who had no idea what was happening, and I couldn’t move my hand the few inches it would have taken to grab his attention. HELPLESS. I was suffocating. When I thought I would pass out from lack of oxygen or outright fear, I gasped and my whole body shuddered. I felt such relief to be able to breathe, that I didn’t dwell on it. I was just so happy to be able to move and feel my lungs fill with air. I literally shook it off, and continued on my dreams, or maybe it was reality. I don’t even know if me sitting up and looking at the clock was real or not. I asked my partner the next morning if he put his hand on my head, which he said he did, but he didn’t remember me shaking my head or gasping. That sensation, that flower, the room was all too real. The panic, the inability to breathe, the absolute shudder of my soul as I was somehow released from the prison of paralysis sticks with me. It was too real.

Underwater Reverie

I want to share a recent and magical snorkeling experience. Even though I have been on the islands for 15 months now, I have only snorkeled a dozen times, if that. My friend recently took me to a new beach where the reef is amazing, and there are turtles everywhere. I didn’t get very far that day, but I went again alone and swam a long distance. My new fins made it so easy!

Some of the highlights of my swim:

*right away, I was above a large turtle, who seemed to notice and disregard me. I tried diving down toward it, but I am still working on diving down and decompressing. I followed it for awhile, then headed on my merry way

*I tried diving down several times, some times inadvertently as I directed myself down toward fish. One time, I was able to decompress a bit, and I was amazed at how easy it was that time to hold my breath. I was so enthralled by all of the life around me, the sound of the whales singing, and the serenity of it all, that I just didn’t think about breathing.

* I swam quite a way out, noticing the vast field of coral, sand, some debris from boats I assume. Suddenly, I noticed small, luminescent “spots” all

around me. Talk about being brought out of your reverie and into the immediate. They looked like little jellyfish or something. My first thought was panic, but then realized I was surrounded and felt just fine. They reminded me of what I found one night on the beach, except that they looked like little pairs of eyes, surrounded by a small network of fibers, gently coalesced into an orb. I stopped and so did time. The sun’s rays were shining down and through the water, highlighting my white hands and lighting up the purple glitter on my nails. And the world around me was surrounded by these minute creatures (I can’t seem to find a picture online that matches, although you can buy a plush doll), seemingly looking at me and glowing pulsingly, as if smiling. Maybe it was “sea sparkle“?

* I continued swimming, but then worked my way back toward the rock, where I figured there would be more coral, and possibly a cave my friend mentioned. The cliff dropped off right into the ocean at this point, so I was quite close at times to the coral, which came up to the surface in areas. A few turtles drifted by below me, and then I found myself surrounded by multiple schools of fish. Below me was a school of narrow, yellow fish, several inches long. They were lined up side by side, facing each other, almost as if they were in a class. Maybe fish do yoga too! Maybe it was fish tantra. Then, above and to my left, a disjointed conglomeration of quite large, dark fish swam by, seemingly unaware of my existence. They were huge! I mean, for the novice, who doesn’t go into the deep sea to dive, they were impressive. One would have fed 3-4 people heartily, I would guess. I wish I knew the fish here. Actually, here is a beautiful site for Hawaiian nature. Earlier in my swim I saw some large puffer fish as well, although they were not disturbed. I was fine with that.

I headed back, brought my head up above this magical world, and kept that serenity and awe with me the rest of the day.

Thanks Audrey

English: Cropped screenshot of Audrey Hepburn ...

Audrey Hepburn

I just saw this quote, which I have seen before, but I want to adjust it a bit:

BEFORE

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others, for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” -Audrey Hepburn

AFTER

“For beautiful eyes, SEE the DIVINE in others, for beautiful lips, speak only LOVING TRUTH; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are A DIVINE BEING.” -Amy Baker

Twas

I ran.

Without a Garmin.

And

It was good.

I swam.

With fins.

And

Got a cramp.

That was not good.

Ultimate Me

I am full of ideas, full of emotions, full of sudden physical limitations, but they are truly only learning opportunities. I am learning to pause, breathe, take in the moment, open to the possibility of more than I know. Everything I need I already am. I just need to clear away the malas and be my Ultimate Me.

Hand In Hand

This is not only unexpected, but the dancers are extremely well trained. The male would have to be in order to complete these moves and gestures. It’s quite beautiful

Dance of Desire

I have recently decided to dance more, express myself more, and play with movement, so I have been watching more dance videos and the like, drooling over the strength and fluidity some of these people have. Check out these folks:

What is the Spirit of Maui?

Deutsch: Sonnenuntergang bei Kihei (Maui/Hawaii)

Kihei, Maui, Hawaii

How would you describe or define the Maui Spirit?

We all know Maui is special and attracts many amazing people.

So, tell me please, how do you describe (in one sentence or one word) the island of Maui, no ka oi?

Stress-Induced Flashbacks

So many things happening, that I didn’t even get to my work until 6pm, but by that time I had to get my daughter from swimming and cook dinner, and then relinquish my computer to her for homework. Wow! Having flashbacks to the old Calgon commercial.

“Calgon, take me away!!”

And here’s a really old one!