Fools Rush In

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. I have said to many friends that if I hadn’t learned the lesson in one relationship, I wouldn’t have been ready for the next one that came along. Maybe that happens alot. Maybe, you encounter people daily that, if you both are in the right time to learn your lessons, you connect. Otherwise, you don’t connect on that level.

In October, I decided to stop settling for less than what I want in my heart. I have my checklist of values in a person (the rest is material). Lo and behold, within weeks of putting in my order to the universe, my order comes in. Two months later, he has decided to move on. Okay, universe, I am listening. I put in my order, I thought I got it, and then … returned itself? How does that happen? I am learning lesson after lesson right now, and it’s painful. And because I still hurt, I know there is something very deeply buried to work through. Evidently, my order did not come in. I must have gotten my order in the wrong size or color. Maybe my order came in, but it was a winter outfit, and it’s summer here…. all the time. Things go wrong with rush orders. I was in a hot tub the other night with a lady who said, ‘fools rush in’. I decided that would be my new mantra.

So, I stand here, naked to the possibility of what I know deep down to be true, that I am capable of great love and there is someone willing, able and ready to accept it, nurture it, and love back. I am learning big lessons lately, so I must be on the cusp of meeting someone really wonderful, and so the cycle of life and learning continues.


Staying Open

Intimate relationships bring out the best and the worst in people. It is where you have been most vulnerable, hurt the worst, and where we tend to find ourselves reacting to emotions brought up in past relationships. It is scary being vulnerable, for there is where you can get hurt. There, you lie naked to the one you open to. You offer yourself in love with the risk that they won’t accept you.

I find myself feeling very vulnerable at some point in relationships as I open myself up. At that point, I have had some people turn away. It is really hard not to take it personally, not to wonder what is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with anyone. The people I chose to open to are hurt from prior relationships with women who manipulated them. They aren’t ready to feel vulnerable. I have been reading many excerpts by Ram Dass, and the last paragraph of this excerpt really hit home for me.

Every time you trade in a partner, you realize that there’s no good or bad about it.  I’m not talking good or bad about this.

But you begin to see how you keep coming to the same place in relationships, and then you tend to stop.  Because it gets too heavy.  Because your identity gets threatened too much.  For the relationship to move to the next level of truth requires an opening and a vulnerability that you’re not quite ready to make.  And so you entrench, you retrench, you pull back and then you start to judge and push away and then you move to the next one.  And then you have the rush of the openness and then the same thing starts to happen.  And so you keep saying “Where am I going to find the one when this doesn’t happen?”  And it will only happen when it doesn’t happen in you.  When you start to take and watch the stuff and get quiet enough inside yourself, so you can take that process as it’s happening and start to work with it.  And keep coming back to living truth in yourself or the other person even though it’s scary and hard.’

Water Flows

You say to “stay connected”, but what do you really mean?

I was drawn to you, like water to roots. I wanted to move slowly through you, take in each inch of you carefully before creating flowers with you.

Like a thirsty tree, you drank of me. I surged through you, to the top of your foliage, and the view was breathtaking. I felt safe, despite the height, and I nourished you with my essence. We played and danced up there, under the stars. We made flowers together, you and I. My essence combined with your strength to create beauty. Some flowers were soft and white and round, like a gardenia. Some were fun and bright like a daisy. Others were fiery red and deep, like a poppy, bursting open to reveal a silken heart.

Like a thirsty tree, you drank of me.

Water flows where it is needed and wanted.

I enjoyed sharing the view with you, greeting the morning sun, drinking in the early sky, dancing under the stars and moon floating by our treetop perch. You were getting stronger, drawing in my essence as my heart poured open. Such flowers I had never made before, each one unique and special, and I drank in the nectar of each, swam in the fragrance of their petals, wrapped myself in and around each stem, and kissed each morsel of pollen.
I opened up my well of endless love and nourishment, but your thirst was quenched. You set me quickly and gently on the ground, back where I started but forever changed. I sat quietly, the waters within me at once calm, then churning and spilling over the banks. The winds picked up, and storms came and passed. Some were smooth and nourishing, others were tumultuous and left chaos and unrest in their wake. The banks of my waters are rising to protect me while I rebuild.

You said to “stay connected”, but water flows where it is needed and wanted.

Stay In Your Heart

My yoga teacher, when I reached out to her in a moment of weakness, said to ‘Stay in your Heart’….. I feel this is part of what she was referring to…

“On this day of your life, Amy, we believe God wants you to know … that it’s your heart that knows who loves you, not your ears or eyes.

Listen to the words, and you can be fooled. Look at the actions, and you can be fooled. Feel deeply into your heart, and then you will know the truth.

Who makes your heart soar now?

Well, what are you waiting for?”

Oh, the comfort –

the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person –

having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,

but pouring them all right out, just as they are,

chaff and grain together;

certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,

keep what is worth keeping,

and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

Assumptions are the termites of relationships.

~Henry Winkler

Once the realization is accepted that

even between the closest human beings

infinite distances continue,

a wonderful living side by side can grow,

if they succeed in loving the distance between them

which makes it possible

for each to see the other whole against the sky.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Putting My Order In

I want to talk about the power of positive thinking. You may think, “yeah, yeah, rainbows and unicorns. Just smile, and life will be dandy.” No, it goes much further than that. Saying just smiling will take care of things is like saying that the grinning person behind the counter you just annoyed really IS happy to see you, when you know they would rather throw something at you.

Over the past 3-4 years, I have been gradually learning to create my own reality, little by little. It started with The Secret. I read the book and have never seen the movie. It’s simple, really, at first. I was having problems in relationships, and so I used the concept that you attract what you concentrate on in figuring out my part in the demise of my relationships. It’s all a dance, and we each play our part. I realized that, as much as I didn’t want to, I was attracting the same old things I did NOT want. This was because I was concentrating on avoiding them, and so I was much more privy to actions that played into that concept. I was waiting for the betrayal, and hence often reading into things too much. The best example I use when explaining it to people is to rephrase the all too-common “I don’t want to gain weight” into the positive “I want to be healthy and svelte”. Then, you are only concentrated on the actions that lead to what you DO want. Try and say each phrase to yourself and imagine the thoughts that would come up with each one, and actions you would more likely take.

I found that I was getting somewhat better at the relationship thing, but I had other issues in my life keeping me from fully realizing. I remembered the power of positive thinking from 2008, when I broke my pelvis. I was in amazing shape for triathlons and ready to race all summer. I could have been devastated, but I took it as a sign I needed to stop and smell the roses. Honestly, I had no choice but to slow down. I chose to look at the positive that could come out of it and never focused on the negative, since it served me no purpose whatsoever. I realized I needed to apply that to my whole life. It’s a gradual process. It starts with awareness, and the easiest habits you can chip away at first, and the other ones you need to go at layer by layer. It all happens not by effort, but by awareness and INTENT.

I remember working in a national committee whose director used to say, “perception is everything”. She was talking about our professional image, and, at the time, I disagreed. Now, I see what she said completely differently. Perception IS everything. We create our own reality every day, and we have a conscious choice to make our world beautiful or not. We can be a victim or not. We can be guilty or not. We can be whatever we want, or not.

Around the same time I was starting to apply these principles to my life, I received some great advice from a dear friend of mine. I had told someone I was dating what I wanted in a relationship, but I wasn’t sure whether that was something he could actually provide. I was worried that he wouldn’t be able to come through. My friend said, “when you put in an order on Amazon, do you sit by the mailbox waiting for the package to arrive, or check incessantly online to see if it’s going to make it? No, you put your order in, then trust that it will arrive.” With positive intent, I voiced what I truly wanted, and I had to trust that the universe would provide. It was really hard at first, but I started to see things happening. Things in my life fell into place more and more, until to this day, I am amazed at the power of serendipity. Things happen just in time. I don’t wait for things to come to me, but I voice my intent to the universe, through thought, action and communication with other people. The voice has power. I could go on and on about all the serendipitous events that have occurred in just the last 2 months, but trust me, when you are tuned into this and trust the universe and see how beautiful and supportive it is, you will understand.

I searched for “manifesting” on Google to see if I could find a good definition, and I found this little clip. It does a great job of looking at the different layers. I have made it to level four in many aspects of my life, but like I said, the deeper ingrained the habit, the longer it takes to chip away at. I just go deeper and deeper and deeper. The fifth level I can’t yet fathom, but I look forward to seeing the power of positive intent and seeing how I can manifest my dreams in this reality I create each and every day.

Lucky Girl

For so many years, I would deal with my problems alone. If I was lonely, I didn’t know how to reach out. I didn’t foster enough relationships where that kind of middle-of-the-night call was okay and welcomed. But, I actually had those relationships for a while and didn’t realize it. I still isolated myself. Somewhere, somehow, I realized that these people really were my friends, that we shared a bond strong enough for them to have the devotion to me I have to all of them. And somewhere, somehow, I learned to reach out. I hate that I wait until I am down to reach out to some of these folks. I can tell you though, that when I am down, I have a small and special group of people peppered all over that welcome my call.

I love my friends in many different ways. I love them for the smiles , the experiences , and the excitement about life they share with me. I love them for being available and understanding. I love them for being my mirror and reflecting back the person THEY see, which is inevitably much better than the person I perceive myself to be during my low times. They remind me of who I am and what I stand for. They remind me of what I need in life, vs what I am getting. I love them for being vulnerable when THEY need someone to be their light or their mirror.

Everyone needs someone to lean on. I have plenty of people to lean on, and I wish I contacted them more often, before I was down. I love them for not judging me for that, and for just being happy that we can connect when we do, and that we can help each other when the need arises.

I am one lucky girl. Thank you to my special friends. You know who you are.

Loneliness, really?

What is loneliness really?

Is it a longing for someone? NO.

Is it a need to be with someone? Maybe.

Is it born out of boredom? Sometimes.

Is it because you are uncomfortable alone? Usually.

Is it because you need reassurance? Usually.

So, what is it actually?

It’s a sign that we need to reach inside and see what needs we can meet for ourselves.

It’s normal, but it doesn’t have to be a daily thing. Turn that attention inward. Shine a light on your heart and your life and either learn to be comfortable in solitude, or get out and reconnect with those you love and that love you back.