Hold Me Sweetly


Again, I am drinking my Yogi brand tea for Throat comfort, and again I am reminded that the best things come in small packages.

“Trust creates peace”

I have so many people mistrusting me lately for reasons based in their own fears. I realize now it was their own fears, but in the heat of the fire, I was panicked, unsure, anxious, doubting myself, which only played into their view (projection) of me. I alleviated the worst of it yesterday, and today was full of so many wonderful affirmations from professionals, friends, and strangers alike that I am the good person I thought, and not the monster these people made me out to be.

If trust creates peace, then mistrust creates hell, for everyone involved. Trust has to also include trust in yourself. Trust in yourself really requires trust in something larger than you. Call it what you want, but being able to trust that things are truly happening as they need to is not easy. It takes surrender.

I received a healing from my friend today, who used to train in Sufi healings, and it was interesting what came up. Not surprising, but interesting.  He told me to drop into my heart, and I honestly didn’t know what that meant. I still don’t, but I thought about opening, breathing into my heart, etc. At first, lights behind my eyes were billowing in and out, in the shape of a heart, and purple even. Then, I tried to envision my physical self, with the area of my heart expanding with each breath, and in my mind’s eye, that area was caved in. It just wouldn’t budge and expand.

From there, my body felt very large and heavy, like I was inside a giant rock, but it didn’t bother me, and I didn’t feel stifled. I transitioned out of that into something else…so much I forget it all. At one point, my friend told me to ‘feel completely supported’, and I was instantly brought back to one of the darkest, most challenging times in my life. It was one of the nights shortly before I gave up my dream of dance.

I had a full scholarship to San Francisco Ballet School, but I didn’t have any way to support myself. My body was shutting down. My hips were so tight and painful that I sat out of many classes. I never went to anyone for help. I called up my pilates instructor one night in desperation to alleviate some of the tightness and pain so I could take class.

She had me lie down on the floor of my little basement room and put my legs up the wall. ‘Now, let the floor completely support you. You don’t have to hold yourself. Feel completely supported.’  And as the floor came to meet my body and hold me, I broke down. Like a little girl running to her mom’s embrace, I sobbed. I had been holding my pride, holding my life together, holding in my hurt and pain, and my body reflected it. I wasn’t even able to trust that the ground beneath me would support me.

Today was a reminder to trust that the world around me will hold me. I need not resist or hold or brace against anything. That is lack of trust in everything in the world, which is really all one breathing soul with limitless manifestations. How can I not trust that which is of me? When I start hurting and feeling like things aren’t going well, that somehow I am not a part of this amazing world of peace and light, I will PAUSE, FEEL the earth and the space around me, SURRENDER to the moment, and be THANKFUL for this universe that holds me so sweetly.


Mission accomplished

My internal clock is all messed up. My computer says 8:42 am, but it’s 11:42 am here. I missed a whole night of sleep when flying in, and didn’t sleep well last night.

I feel like I lost my Saturday.

Keely and I left for the mainland Friday night. We took the red-eye into San Francisco, where we had about a 3-hour layover for a 20-minute flight. It was cheaper to take the flight from San Francisco to Sacramento than it was to fly into San Francisco directly (same flight even). Next time, I might just schedule to Sacramento and get off in San Francisco. Hmmm

Anyhoo, we took a tiny plane out of SF and finally made it into Sacramento around 8am Saturday. Sacramento has a tiny airport, with only 2 small baggage claims, neither of which turned on the whole time we were there. Turns out, the whole cart of luggage that was supposed to go on the Sacramento flight never made it on. Way to go United! The ladies at the counter were rude about the whole deal. I figured I had to come back later , so just let it go and hoped the bags would show up in the next flight.

I get to Budget to rent my car, and Keely realizes she left her phone either on the shuttle, or in the airport. I sent her off to catch a shuttle back and find it while I got the car. By now, I am figuring there must be something else. I mean, things come in 3’s right? She actually found her phone right when I was about to go back and find her. She was resourceful and asked around to find the person she needed to talk to: the Sheriff’s office. She was all puffed up over that.

We hung out in downtown Sacramento for a few hours, but I was tired and didn’t feel well, so we headed back to the airport. I stopped in front of Terminal B so she could get out and check on the luggage. Otherwise, I would have had to park and then go in. She was resourceful again, and found the luggage and brought it out. Yeah!! We hightailed it over to the other terminal, got her checked in, and waited for her flight. My day was nowhere near done. She caught her flight at 5pm with no problems. Mission 1 accomplished.

I hit the road for San Jose, a good 2-2.5 hour drive away. It was a beautiful day out, which helped. The cross winds were insane though, and I felt like my little sub-compact care was going to lift a few times. Was falling asleep around Walnut Creek so stopped for some coffee. I was at hour 34 without sleep now. Ugh. I made it into San Jose, where I met my friend Drew. I have known him since 2005 or so, but had never made it over to visit. We had Chinese, watched Pirates of the Caribbean, and crashed. Mission 2 accomplished.

Now, I believe it’s Sunday, and it’s time to get some coffee. I am overdue for my fix.

Less IS More

Some random thoughts about what’s REALLY important.

  • comparing an Anusara style yoga class taken recently to a Bikram class, I realize how much the all-inclusiveness of Anusara speaks more to me and makes me feel more at ease. My old hot yoga/Vinyasa flow classes also gave me more peace at mind. The workout you get with Bikram is great, but I don’t feel as well-rounded emotionally and spiritually afterward.
  • I saw a video on YouTube about a woman in New York living in a 90-sq-ft apartment, and loving it. She has made it quite livable. I used to live in the same size or smaller when I was in San Francisco, and you get used to it. You learn to organize things so that stuff isn’t lying out everywhere. I think that is one reason I am a compulsive organizer now, even with plenty of space. I moved to Boston in my 2-door, 3-cylinder Geo Metro, and all my belongings fit in that car. I am coming back to that bit by bit, getting rid of excess and only buying what I need.
  • After going to the Hawaii State Rural Health Association meeting yesterday and talking about retention in rural areas, and then interviewing a candidate for residency who is from Hawaii, FIT becomes an even bigger issue. Maybe the applicant hasn’t DONE as much as others, but they already have a one-up on us haoles (foreigners), since they can speak to the locals in their own “language”. They are also dedicated to their community, because they usually plan on staying.
  • I find it amazing that society puts so much importance on surface things. We are so intent on immediate gratification and the sense of Having NOW, that we no longer live in the NOW. We are always thinking about the next thing. Being in the moment is sacred and something to strive for in our daily lives.

Props to Prop 19?

one high-quality "dank" nugget of ma...

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I lived in San Francisco when the debate about medical marijuana was hot, and now California is paving the road again. Although, I think that decriminalization vs legalization would be a more viable start. Change is good, but it’s too much change for people to look at legalizing it and regulating/taxing it all in one shot. Just decriminalize the stuff first, see how it affects resources, then work on making money off of it.

Californians Set To Vote On Proposal To Legalize Recreational Marijuana Use.

CNN (11/2, Park) reports “medical use of marijuana is legal” in several states, but “on Tuesday, California voters will decide whether their state will be the first to legalize recreational marijuana use.” CNN says “the vote on Proposition 19 is being closely watched as the Golden State is often seen as a bellwether.” Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, said that “one of the issues is that people believe how marijuana affects them is how it affects everyone.” He added, “They base it on their own experiences, and it is possible you can smoke and have no ill effects. … Whether you’re vulnerable to toxic effects of smoking or marijuana is dependent on unique genes.”

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Burning to go….

I remember a hippie friend of mine from San Francisco going to Burning Man years and years ago…. her and her boyfriend prepped for an insane amount of time. I hadn’t heard of it, but I could tell it was intense. They were forever changed after that week. I think the energy of the week can last half a year, if not longer.

Thinking I would like to attempt Burning Man before I age anymore. I want to have some freedom in my life, some adventure and new experiences. After 10 years of being limited by college, I feel it’s time. Now, I just have to find a job to see that I can be off during that week+.

Anyone in with me? Caravan? :0)

Oh, and we could start with the Burning Man San Francisco Film Festival and visit my old stomping grounds!!