Stress-Induced Flashbacks

So many things happening, that I didn’t even get to my work until 6pm, but by that time I had to get my daughter from swimming and cook dinner, and then relinquish my computer to her for homework. Wow! Having flashbacks to the old Calgon commercial.

“Calgon, take me away!!”

And here’s a really old one!

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The Slingshot Effect

When your life seems like it’s too slow and more should be going on (this is the draw back phase of the slingshot, while everything in your life is building up energy), and then WHAM! Everything comes flying at you at once, and it either flies by you, or you are left caught in its trajectory and carried away with it, flying along until momentum slows. Right now, I am in the trajectory of so many things in my life, it’s not even funny. These are all good things, for the most part, but trying to keep all the balls in the air at once is extremely challenging. Nothing I haven’t done before!

Checking off

Checking things off the list feels good, just too much to do and think about right now. Applications for jobs, applications for federal positions (VERY long and extensive), forms for Keely’s new school, medical appointments, looking for a new place, hoping I will have a job, wondering if I need to look at other states, trying to finish a CDTM, research gathering and analysis, rotation design, etc for my residency…somewhere in there is laundry and cleaning, but it’s down the list right now. I know I am missing things, but they are on a list somewhere….

No time to worry, just do. So incredibly tired though. Came home and napped past two days. I choose not to stress over it and figure that the stress of not knowing what will happen in two months is working on me. Just grab the sleep, recuperate, and move on.

Teens

Teens

Suck away our patience

Devour all our food

Finnagle our money

All they give is grey hair, stress, tears, no appreciation

Anxiously awaiting the day she once again becomes  a human, but by that point I may have fled the country. If so, please don’t come looking for me.

Have you hugged yourself lately?

Been tired, irritable, tense lately. It is 8:30 pm, and I am falling asleep in my chair while attempting to read studies for a lit. review. I have had a hard time with my breathing lately, although still not sure why, which makes me tense and irritable.

Perhaps I just need a few good hugs from someone who cares. Too bad those people are thousands of miles away. I have hugged myself before, and it feels pretty good, but it is certainly not the same.

I don’t resort to alcohol or drugs, although I am very slowly enjoying a glass of wine. I haven’t even had half of a glass in over an hour.

I am thinking I need more beach, but I have been too busy to make it there. Getting up in the morning is nearly impossible, and I have something to do after work and before the sun sets. At least I am running, but I truly feel that the ocean envelopes you and washes away the stresses of the day.

That’s the hug I think I need, at least for now.

Fleeting Serenity

Amazing how fleeting serenity is. I am completely overwhelmed, yet again, in my life. Circumstances out of my control are entering and sucking my time and energy away from what I need to be focusing on, which is my residency. It has been hard to breathe for a few days, my body has been hurting and out of whack, fatigue has set in to the point of coming  home and just lying like a sack of potatoes on the bed, and I am irritable. I snapped at my co-resident today for the first time. Part of me wants to be alone, and another part of me feels lonely. Overall, I am positive. Things are going well in my life. In fact, I can hardly keep up with it, especially with all of these other things coming in. I guess just take life one challenge at a time. Time to triage my stressors and put some of them in the waiting room.

Perception is Everything

I am realizing more and more lately how powerful the mind is. I don’t know when it happened, but at some point, I learned to let things go more. The internal dialogue that so many people have with themselves, going over and over what they anticipate will happen, is stressful and counterproductive. For example, my young neighbor happens to be my landlord’s son, and he has a nasty temper. The early 20’s is an ugly time in life for most. Well, we had some recent issues with parking, since we had 9 people and 7 cars, 4 of which were his. He ranted and raved, parked his car directly behind my garage so I couldn’t get out, etc, etc. My roommate was, and still is, bothered by it. I quietly called his dad and asked him to have his son move his car so I could get to work. The issue was resolved that night. Today, he was parked too far out, so I had a hard time backing out of my driveway, which is awkward as it is. Instead of mulling over it, and stressing over it, and assuming that he was a little turd and therefore doing it on purpose, I just walked down and asked him nicely to move the car up so that I could get in and out without scraping up someone’s car. He apologized and moved the car. My roomie was surprised there wasn’t a confrontation, to which I replied, “If you approach a situation assuming there will be tension, then there will be tension.” I didn’t assume anything. It wasn’t worth my energy.

I used to be the one to stress out and to mull all day over what to do, or why people were acting a certain way. Most times, I think I was wrong, and I ended up making things worse. I prefer to wait things out a bit now. My relationships are better, as is my stress level.

If You Dream of Pain

Evan Rachel Wood's back tattoo at the 2009 Tri...

Evan Rachel Wood's back tattoo at the 2009 Tribeca Film Festival premiere of Woody Allen's Whatever ...

I had one of those “aha”, or rather a “hmmmmm” moment this morning while driving to work. I have been somewhat under the weather, and it started with a bit of a sore throat, but mostly achiness, like when you have a low-grade fever. I woke up this morning with my throat irritated but not hurting. Yet, I remember quite vividly experiencing *excruciating* pain trying to swallow last night. I have had strep throat too many times to remember, so I know full well what that feels like, and this was worse.

BUT, considering I woke up with my throat feeling much like when I went to bed, I am assuming I was dreaming, which made me wonder.

* If you experience pain in your dreams, did you really feel pain? Did your mind register that as pain, and did your body have a stress response as if it were “real”? If I can experience pain in my dreams and remember, could I be experiencing pain in my dreams when I don’t remember? In other words, if the pain is felt as if it were truly manifested in the waking state, and that solicits a stress response, could it be possible that people dream of painful situations and end up stressing their bodies nightly without having any real “nightmares”?

Out of balance

Lately, I find my self thinking back to the end of last year, when I announced my marriage to myself, and spent a good three months truly celebrating myself and embracing who I am without negativitiy. I started eating better, I took yoga because it gave me more joy than cycling at the time, I cut my hair finally, and I dressed more feminine, but in the way I wanted, not heels and short skirts and the like. I look back and wonder what I did to lose touch with that, or how I can reinstill that in my life. It takes being brutally honest with myself. The whole decision to marry myself came out of a personal crisis. I needed to take the reigns or lose myself, or so it seemed. It was liberating, exciting, rejuvenating, and then I started back on rotation and lost a lot of that. Finding that balance while in grad school and while dealing with the emotional and physical issues of an hormonal 11-year-old daughter…..well, it’s tough, to say the least.

I keep my chin up, and I always feel that things will work out, somehow, some way. I have a great network of family and friends, and the humility to ask for help (something I learned to do this last year). Sometimes, I just want to curl up and have it all drift away. I find myself wanting to be lost in happy feelings of the moment, but too much of that creates more stress from things undone. Where is the balance? On one hand, I have soooo much to do. I have a court case on Monday; I am on rotation until early May; I am going to France for an International Forum on Healthcare, and I have to study for my boards, earn my intern hours, actually pass my boards, and in the midst of all this I really need to find a job.

After all the stress of wondering if I wanted to move out of state, if I was willing to take that leap and deciding I was…. and then not matching… it changes everything. I stressed so much over that decision, because it involved my daughter, my family, my friends, basically my emotional support network. Add to that a blossoming relationship with someone whom has always been very special to me, and things get hard.

Now, I just need to find a job in town. I can’t imagine moving unless it’s for something that will just MAKE my career. At this point, I really am looking forward to having a semblance of a life.  When I found out I didn’t match, I was disappointed, but I also realized that I might have a life for the first time in 10 years. Although, I really did do a lot in 2005 as an undergrad, but that is a whole ‘nother ballgame.

So, seeking balance…and right now, I “should” be reading for tomorrow, but I just need a break. I find myself not wanting to work out, because I am afraid I will do that and find I didn’t leave enough time to do what I need to do for the next day. I never know what will come up with my daughter, and thankfully she is self-sufficient. I haven’t made dinner in 3 days, and she is totally cool with it. She made a veggie burger tonight, and was very proud of her cooking abilities. :0)

Okay, I have talked ’round in circles, and now I need to get more stuff done. What I would rather do is snuggle up with Nick, feel the stress melt away, and drift off with a smile on my face. Soon…

Sleepless in Albuquerque

Up late, really not interested in sleep. I wasn’t interested in eating earlier, but it seems that a beer and a Bob Marley song helped, as did some preliminary planning for a trip to Nice, France. Now, I have a lot going on in my life that is stressful…. I didn’t match on the residency “Match” day, then my grandmother declined and passed away on Friday. Now, I have other issues from my past coming up that directly affect my daughter. Of course, my loans are dwindling, and I haven’t secured a job for when I graduate. Nor do I know when or where that job might exist. I really would like to stay in Albuquerque, but I need to make a living also. In the midst of all of this, I have an amazing opportunity to go to Nice, France for an International Summit, on a limited budget scholarship. This would be in less than 3 weeks, so the timing is pretty tight.

I like to think things will pan out. It’s going to take a lot of proactiveness on my part. I wish everyone was up and about this time of night. I could get so much more done!!!