Surreality

What do vivid dreams mean? I went to TEDxMaui tonight, and I really enjoyed listening to Dr. Jacob Lieberman. He spoke with such clarity, both calm and passionate at the same time. He talked about a dream he had where he could see himself sleeping and he then saw every detail of a speech he was to give a year later. The speech happened just like in his dream, without his intervention.

It was timely, considering the night before, I had one of the weirdest dream nights ever. I was sleeping with my partner, but I remember several instances of interacting with him, and I couldn’t tell if they were real or not. Even upon waking, I couldn’t remember what was real. This is why. At one point, I was lying on my back, and he put his hand gently on the crown of my head. Under his touch, my head became hot, my mind envisioning scarlet red. I felt myself relaxing into the sensation, and then he gently put one finger on the back of my head, just behind and below the crown. I can’t describe the energy shift, but I saw the room, and I saw the glowing outline of a white flower in my field of vision. At the same time, I froze.  I went from blissful relaxation to utter panic. I couldn’t inhale, and I couldn’t move. Inside, I was crying “Help me! Help me! Oh God, please help me!”, but no movement of my body, my arms, nor my lungs to be able to say anything. Meanwhile, this white flower is forever in my vision, which couldn’t change. My eyes couldn’t move. NOTHING in my body responded to my mental orders. It lasted what seemed like an eternity. HELPLESS, lying right next to someone who had no idea what was happening, and I couldn’t move my hand the few inches it would have taken to grab his attention. HELPLESS. I was suffocating. When I thought I would pass out from lack of oxygen or outright fear, I gasped and my whole body shuddered. I felt such relief to be able to breathe, that I didn’t dwell on it. I was just so happy to be able to move and feel my lungs fill with air. I literally shook it off, and continued on my dreams, or maybe it was reality. I don’t even know if me sitting up and looking at the clock was real or not. I asked my partner the next morning if he put his hand on my head, which he said he did, but he didn’t remember me shaking my head or gasping. That sensation, that flower, the room was all too real. The panic, the inability to breathe, the absolute shudder of my soul as I was somehow released from the prison of paralysis sticks with me. It was too real.

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