If you visit my blog regularly, you may have noticed the style changing almost daily. That is because I am in the process of, you guessed it, CHANGE.
I have more than one blog (surprise!), and for so long I have thought they were all separate, or that they needed to be separate. My personal life and my professional life had a distinct line between them.
As I align more with what I enjoy, I am finding the two coming together in a logical sense. So, over the next few weeks, I will be changing my blog formats, connecting my other blogs, and rolling them all out (ideally) under one domain name.
Today, I can breathe. At least until tomorrow. I flew last night to Oahu for my second MPJE exam in a week. Last Saturday, I took the one for New Mexico, and today I took the one for Washington state. It all started out on a positive note…..
I arrived at Honolulu International Airport in the afternoon, with my purse and briefcase on wheels. I was spending the night, but I figured I didn’t need a full change of clothes….just a couple shirts and a bikini folded into my purse. Always be prepared! Walking up to the bus stop, I spotted a man I work with on a project. I use that phrase loosely, since I didn’t even remember his name. He was fiddling with his iPhone. “Aloha,” to which his reply was, “The bus comes at 5:51.” It seems he found some cool way of tracking the buses on his phone.
As luck would have it, we sat next to each other on the bus, across from two military boys who had evidently not been whooped into shape enough during boot camp. These boys were straight from the midwest, had never been on a city bus, were probably excited about the nightlife in Waikiki,
and were loud and obnoxious. Eight-year-old boys on a big field trip, but with tons of testosterone.
I reintroduced myself to the “bus keeper,” and we talked the best we could given the ruckus around us about a grant just released by CMS, and somehow about the school his son goes to. It’s for dyslexic and/or gifted children. In fact, he moved to Oahu so his son could go there, but he works all week on Maui while his wife stays on Oahu. Now, that’s Dad of the Year, in my books! He said a few times that “it’s really expensive.”
It’s called Assets, and I intend to look into it. While I want to stay on Maui, the prospect of a job is slim to none. My daughter is highly gifted and the typical underachiever. Not only did he (his name is Tony) turn me on to a grant and Assets, he also turned me on to a website for tracking the buses on Oahu. If you Google “the bus”, you will find the website. The buses each have gps on them, so you can find out real time how far they are from you.
Next adventure, the hotel. I had no idea where I was staying, but I knew it was in the outskirts of Waikiki….Equus, boutique hotel. Hmmm.. The front desk seemed nice enough, with a waterfall audible in the background. The desk clerk gave me my key, said to head back out and around the building to the high rise in the back. He pointed to the security code for the building and told me I was on floor 26. Whoa! 26?! I have been on Maui too long. I did what he said, but was a bit confused. High rise doesn’t sound “boutique” to me.
I found my room, and it was a tiny condo with kitchenette. The bed was a Murphy, and I almost tripped on it trying to walk by, given the 12 inches of clearance between it and the wall. It wasn’t beautiful, but it had a stove, so I could boil water for my Throat tea, and it had a great view of the city. Sushi sounded good for dinner, so I searched Places on my phone and decided to head toward Waikiki a block or so.
When I found the building, there wasn’t the sushi restaurant I found, but something much better! It was Aloha Sushi, with everything to go. Hot dog! I was in business! One spicy ahi and some poke nigiri, all wrapped up, and I headed back for my last study session.
I set up my computer so I could face the city lights and the ocean and got situated with notes and sushi. Suddenly, fireworks went off right in front of me! Boom! Boom! I had my very own show for 3-5 minutes. Honestly, the timing couldn’t be better, and I took it as a good sign.
I had a hard time falling asleep that night. Spinning in my mind were all kinds of business ideas. The whole plan was laid out, and I battled whether to get up and write it down or stay in my meditative state and hope that I would both fall asleep and remember everything the next day. I decided to stay in bed, but I might as well have gotten up.
The room next to me housed some young, rowdy females up for a good time, and they traipsed in and out of their room every few minutes. They were obviously drunk by the fact they were practically yelling to each other in the linoleum hallway that was ten feet long from the elevator to both of our doors. I cracked my door and grunted “some people are trying to sleep,” which they ignored. A call to security seemed to work, or they were just too busy praying to the porcelain god or passed out. Regardless, I finally got about 4 hours of sleep.
“Yes, but how did the test go?” you ask. Well, I made it there early, was finishing my second pint of coffee and feeling the haze lift.
I felt okay going into it, really (that’s what they all say). Plus, I had locker #3 (my lucky number), and then I was seated at desk #3. That just had to be a good sign! Fourty questions into the 90 question exam, I realized I was almost on time (meaning I had no grace time), and that I clearly didn’t study well enough for this one OR the last one. About 1/3 of the questions warranted a WTF?! from me. I honestly don’t know how they come up with these scenarios.
I left the test center last week feeling like most people leave. “No way I passed that exam.” After today, I left feeling completely dejected, so I did what any girl would do. I went to Ala Moana Shopping Center and bought myself some perfume.
Then, I headed to the beach, plopped down my briefcase and purse, changed into my bikini, and got me the first dose of sun in two weeks. After timing myself and flipping like bacon, I rocked a few downward dogs, pigeons and headstands.
Back to the mall for some shoes on clearance (not much makes a girl happier when she is down). I managed to catch my flight on time, where I wrote down some great notes about what I needed to do this next week. Now, here I am, sitting on my lanai with twinkling lights above me, a glass of wine to my right, a soft tropical breeze, and this hacking cough I can’t get rid of. Tomorrow is a little “me time” before I catch up on the rest of my life….
Again, I am drinking my Yogi brand tea for Throat comfort, and again I am reminded that the best things come in small packages.
“Trust creates peace”
I have so many people mistrusting me lately for reasons based in their own fears. I realize now it was their own fears, but in the heat of the fire, I was panicked, unsure, anxious, doubting myself, which only played into their view (projection) of me. I alleviated the worst of it yesterday, and today was full of so many wonderful affirmations from professionals, friends, and strangers alike that I am the good person I thought, and not the monster these people made me out to be.
If trust creates peace, then mistrust creates hell, for everyone involved. Trust has to also include trust in yourself. Trust in yourself really requires trust in something larger than you. Call it what you want, but being able to trust that things are truly happening as they need to is not easy. It takes surrender.
I received a healing from my friend today, who used to train in Sufi healings, and it was interesting what came up. Not surprising, but interesting. He told me to drop into my heart, and I honestly didn’t know what that meant. I still don’t, but I thought about opening, breathing into my heart, etc. At first, lights behind my eyes were billowing in and out, in the shape of a heart, and purple even. Then, I tried to envision my physical self, with the area of my heart expanding with each breath, and in my mind’s eye, that area was caved in. It just wouldn’t budge and expand.
From there, my body felt very large and heavy, like I was inside a giant rock, but it didn’t bother me, and I didn’t feel stifled. I transitioned out of that into something else…so much I forget it all. At one point, my friend told me to ‘feel completely supported’, and I was instantly brought back to one of the darkest, most challenging times in my life. It was one of the nights shortly before I gave up my dream of dance.
I had a full scholarship to San Francisco Ballet School, but I didn’t have any way to support myself. My body was shutting down. My hips were so tight and painful that I sat out of many classes. I never went to anyone for help. I called up my pilates instructor one night in desperation to alleviate some of the tightness and pain so I could take class.
She had me lie down on the floor of my little basement room and put my legs up the wall. ‘Now, let the floor completely support you. You don’t have to hold yourself. Feel completely supported.’ And as the floor came to meet my body and hold me, I broke down. Like a little girl running to her mom’s embrace, I sobbed. I had been holding my pride, holding my life together, holding in my hurt and pain, and my body reflected it. I wasn’t even able to trust that the ground beneath me would support me.
Today was a reminder to trust that the world around me will hold me. I need not resist or hold or brace against anything. That is lack of trust in everything in the world, which is really all one breathing soul with limitless manifestations. How can I not trust that which is of me? When I start hurting and feeling like things aren’t going well, that somehow I am not a part of this amazing world of peace and light, I will PAUSE, FEEL the earth and the space around me, SURRENDER to the moment, and be THANKFUL for this universe that holds me so sweetly.
To emphasize the reality of the post below….I wrote it on the 8th and just discovered my draft, 10 days later. Sigh…. I think I know now why I got sick!
Life has been more than a little crazy lately. It’s that dang boomerang effect again. You set things in motion, wait in limbo while things are brewing, and then WHAM! It all hits you at once. Money, job, career, physical, psychological, emotional, family, more family, and it’s all on a tight schedule. Thankfully, I am not alone. Tom Lescher, a Leo astrologer I met recently, does his weekly Pele Report on YouTube. I highly recommend it. His forecast for March sounds spot on with what I am dealing with:
The month of March will be a lot easier for you if you just pretend that you have boarded the high-speed bullet train that gets you to your destination at hundreds of miles per hour (whether you are late or not!). This is a month where our nervous systems are undergoing a great cosmic cleanse. It is an opportunity to rid ourselves of all the shaky, old, outworn mental patterns that are no longer serving us. Beyond that, we will have an opportunity to purge immature emotional patterns lingering from lifetimes gone by that are preventing us from fully realizing our potential.
I love his humor, and it seems I will need it this month. All kinds of past stuff is bubbling up, and I have to find a way to let it go and redefine how I live in the world. It’s kind of like being told you have wings, being thrown off a cliff, and trusting that you will know how to fly. Like the Phoenix, I want to die and rise from the ashes anew, pure like I came into this world.
Check out this video:
I could use a favor from you.
This job market is tough, and I am assessing where my strengths and weaknesses are.
I also am seeking to live more in my Truth, which means facing how I come across to others, and how I fit into this world, which may be very different than I wish or perceive.
Here is what I am asking, which should only take a minute.
Here’s your chance to say it like it is! Go HERE to comment!
Whether you have met me or have only read my blogs, could you answer the following questions?
1. What have I shared or done, if anything, that has helped you? It could be material, praise, inspiration, advice, etc.
2. What have I shared or done, if anything, that has hurt or offended you? I am looking for constructive criticism here. If you can speak your truth from you heart, I want to know if I have hurt you and if I can remedy that in some way. (If you are looking to slander me, don’t bother. Contact me directly so we can work it out)
3. Do you see anything incongruent in my actions that you can bring to my attention?
Many, many thanks in advance for any feedback you have! No matter what your feedback, I will say Thank You, for truly the best gift is to be seen, and giving honest feedback is not easy.
Go HERE to comment!
Excerpt from the Daily Dharma Blog
In group session today, a topic came up that was batted around for quite some time. I kept hearing “I need to…” from this one person.
“I need to exercise, but I don’t.”
“I need to NOT buy bulk foods at Costco, but I don’t.”
What keeps us from doing what is ultimately better for us and ultimately the easiest thing to do? Read more….
Yes, I am trying something different. I have committed to a year of daily blogging, and it’s called Daily Dharma: A Year of Coming Into Alignment With My Truth. Today was my first post, Pardon Me, Could You Spare Me a Midlife Crisis?
To my awesome subscribers, please consider moving over to my Daily Dharma blog, or you can
Sign up for my blog HERE!
Okay, I just found this interesting. Top search terms that led to my blog today….
alf imperato, doll face, gum wall, 333 number of photo